I’m a mess…

Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words to express

Just how much I want to reach out to you and say yes

I have spent so much of my life alone

I could never see past the grey cyclone

My past was like a tornado destroying everything in its route

My heart was the wreckage, damaged and full of doubt

Much like the ruins, I was lost as it seemed I’d never recover

No shelter from the pain, I was a child without a mother

It seemed like the clouds lingered for years

No one around to hear my tears

I kept my emotions isolated from the world around

I vowed to never again be beat into the ground

They can take my body; they can cut me like a knife

But they will never take my soul; I guard it with my life

Who knew that one day the clouds would part and the sun would shine through

Who knew there was still hope and who knew I would find you

In a world with so much chaos and endless sorrow

I never would have thought I would look forward to tomorrow

You took me by surprise when you touched me so deep

You made me forget the hurt and made me want to leap

So here I am now so open and exposed

To you I promise to never be closed

I give you me, no more, no less

You have my apologies; I know I’m a mess

Go figure…

Is it just my imagination or do the laws of the universe really work against us? I have been looking back over the last 7 or so years and have come to discover that either my timing absolutely sucks or the universe is working against me. Now I can’t imagine that it’s all me, lol… totally kidding, it’s most likely all me… but I’d like to think that the universe has something to do with it.

It’s like when you want to have a nice lunch alone in a park and then an entire family plops down beside you on the bench… or when you make plans to go on a cruise and you come down flu the day before you’re supposed to leave. It happens when someone finds love… lol, you can be single for years upon years and once you are in love people from your past come out of the woodwork to be with you. For me I find that when I plan on focusing on work it’s slow and when I have things to do in my personal life, I’m overwhelmed with it.

I suppose at the end of the day life works out in the way it’s supposed to… maybe teaching us something we didn’t know we needed to learn. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, even if I don’t understand what the reasoning is. I would also like to think that I am in the driver’s seat of my own life but as time goes by I sometimes feel like I’m just along for the ride. Maybe my timing is off or maybe the universe is trying to tell me something that I’m not yet able to see.

Out of control…

There are so many things in this world that are totally out of our control. So… why is it that even though we know that we have no control, we continue to stress? Obviously no person has control over another, people do what they are gonna do regardless. We have no control over the weather, it’ll be hot as hell even if we wish for rain. Little asian women are gonna cut me off on the freeway no matter what, so why get so mad?

I never thought of myself as a control “freak”, but I am starting to notice I have unpleasant tendencies. I have always been in control of my life and what goes on around me because I limited the activity that I had and the people who had access to me so that I didn’t have to deal with much chaos. However, in limiting my surroundings I limited my chances for happiness and for experiencing new things. I have always been the type of person that thinks people should be allowed to be who they are, no matter what anyone thinks… however, I am noticing that sometimes I don’t totally accept that because they are not doing something my way… lol, how hypocritical is that?

I currently am finding it difficult to let go of my obvious “illusion” of control. I very much know that there is no way possible that I have any control over another persons actions… so why am I upset? I feel so stupid because I consider myself a pretty logical person, but there is NO logic in this issue. Realistically trying to control the world is like trying to hold on to air. I’m sure I’m not the only idiot alive pissed off about shit I have no control over, but even as I sit here and write this blog I’m at a loss as to why I am so irritated… suck ass!

Misunderstood…

Have you ever attempted to do something with nothing but the best intentions in mind and it completely backfired because you were totally misunderstood? Yeah… me too! I can honestly say that because I am not the average chick, I am often misunderstood. I didn’t grow up under “normal” circumstances, I’ve experienced far to many abnormal events to even be able to grasp the concept of “normal”! Therefore I live, love, act, react and process things in a manner that most people can’t understand. I am always 100% honest because that’s the only way I know how to be, but sometimes it also causes me to be a bit too blunt.

Sometimes I feel like a walking disaster, like nothing I do comes across in the manner that I intend it to. FUCK… I know what I mean… why can’t everyone else know what I mean? I try my best to stand outside of myself and look at things from a variety of different perspective before I make any kind of decision. I won’t lie, I have been known to make a bad judgement call now and then but luckily they seem to be few and far between… lol, but when I screw up, I screw up BIG! I try to be cautious with the words I choose and the way I come off to people so that they will look at me the same way I look at them… with an open mind. Come on now… I know I’m a bit different, but that’s me and I can only be who I am just as I expect you to be who you are… no more, no less.

I have recently had a brief laps in judgement do to a misunderstanding… I had thought that everyone was on the same page but come to find out I must have been reading the wrong book. Now in this specific situation it’s already a difficult situation that requires a sensitive touch. God knows I try my best to be sensitive and careful but sometimes without realizing it at the time, I fail miserably. Hurting people or causing any kind of drama is not, nor ever has been “my thing”, but I am human and I do make mistakes. Sitting here right now I feel like a schmuck that, with the best intentions in mind, has once again opened her mouth… inserted foot and continued to knee! Lol, seriously I would hate me if I didn’t know me in this instance.

I am a bright individual, I seem to be pretty observant, I generally have a good, solid head on my shoulders… how is it that I can manage to be so inconsiderate while trying to be just the opposite? Hmmm… food for thought! Now the questions that seem to being running through my head are how would I or even could I fix it. Should I just leave it alone and crawl under a rock, cause that’s really what I wanna do… or should I apologize and try to explain what I meant in a better way, cause that could end up in verbal vomit and I could easily make things worse than they already are… again, on accident!

I wish there was some kind of book that told you exactly what to do in every circumstance that left NO room for misinterpretation. I wish I could just say I apologize, without having to explain what I apologize for. I wish my way of thinking was more relatable and I wish that bad situations were easier to handle. But in the end it is what it is and we are who we are… I accept that I am and may always be misunderstood.

I’m a lucky girl…

I wrote a blog on MySpace about the appreciation that I have for my good friends… I just wanted to take a moment and add some things…

I grew up in a way that I spent a lot of time alone or around people that really could have cared less about my best interest. All of the experiences that I have had throughout my life has really made me appreciate the true friends that I have now. I think that friendship is one thing that most people take for granted. Relationships are work regardless of they type of relationship it is. Sometimes getting to know and understand all of your girlfriends may take some time and effort. Women are finicky and sensitive, but a good friend will always be aware of the things that affect her… in a good or bad way.

You should always treat people the way that you want to be treated but with friends you have to take it a step further. For me it has always been the little things that matter so much… the random calls to say I love you, the girls nights out where there is no cattiness or drama, the honest shopping ventures when they say “oh no hunny!”, lol but mostly the fact that they let me be who I am and love me unconditionally regardless of my crazy life. I have always said I am who I am and I refuse to change for anyone but me and they accept me for me as I accept them for who they are and love them regardless of their most major flaw.

It seems that people really don’t understand the term unconditional love. Most people have some type of standard or criteria that you have to meet before you’re “in”. I don’t know about you but I have never been good a being able to keep up with who I “should be” from one person to the next so I just stay true to form. Unconditional is defined as follows: Without conditions or limitations; absolute. Just the word “absolute” sums it up for me cause when it comes to people that I love that’s exactly how I feel. I would gladly step in front of a bullet if it meant saving them or sacrificing something that I want just to make them a little happier, it’s worth it to me!

In closing, it may be because I am a Scorpio, but I am very supportive and am even more protective of people hold close to my heart! Real friends are few and far between so cherish them like they are a part of you. To my friends, thank you… because of you I’m such a lucky girl and to you I say this…

Hate you… Let ‘em! Hurt you… They can’t! Try to… I wish they would! Love you… I do! Be you… They wish! Envy you… They should! Defend you… I would!

Friendship is more than a word… it’s a commitment.

DRAMA!

I got a call today that made me want to talk about this subject. Throughout my youth I grew with a lot of turmoil and drama… because of that I have worked VERY hard in my adult life to remain drama free. Most of the time I have been able to stay steadfast on my drama free path but every now and then I come across a bump in my road. Now, the funny thing is that most drama that I encounter has nothing to do with me, lol, however it may involve me but usually without my knowledge! I seem to be the topic of many conversations and generally by the time it gets back to me someone is in an uproar.

I also find that most people that complain about how much drama there is, are usually the people that are  waste deep in the middle of it all. Most people involved in the BBW community knows that there is a lot of drama and they usually chose early on whether they want to avoid the drama or they dive right into the muddle. There are, however, some people that get caught up in all the ugliness but quickly realize that they would rather act in a mature manner and distance themselves. Personally, I have been caught up a time or 2… I will not deny it, but I am one that quickly realizes that it’s not for me.

The other HILARIOUS thing that I notice is that women that are old enough to be my mothers have THE MOST drama. I have wondered if it’s because maybe life gets less exciting as they get older so they have to create drama as their spice of life, lol! Me though, I can’t image life getting anything but more exciting so I really don’t get it. There are soooo many things that I want to do and see that I really can’t imagine having the time to harass someone through blogs and vicious gossip or go out of my way to spread lies and rumors about someone… lol, especially since the truth is usually better!

As human beings we all have relationships that end badly, but for most of us, we pick up the pieces and MOVE ON. I have noticed that some people lack the ability to move forward regardless if it’s with their hairstyle, personal style, relationships or even from traumatic events. I have news for you folks… life doesn’t stop because you get stuck. Life continues to move forward and evolve even if you can’t seem to keep up with it. I have been stuck many times throughout my life and I can’t tell you how much it sucks to watch the world around you go on as you sit and fester in your own pity.

I am a true believer in karma and I truly believe that you get back what you put out. I make a conscience decision on a daily basis to stay positive and refrain from the drama. Life is far too short to be surrounded by all the negative. There are so many bad things in this world that we have no control over, however, we can control our own thoughts and actions. Imagine what life would be like if we took all of the negative and turned it into positive…

 

HOPE…

The definition of HOPE… The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best

Throughout our lives we rely on hope to get us through some of our darkest hours. We also turn to hope when we are excited about something… hoping things will work out in our favor. Hope is what we as humans rely on to make us feel like whatever we do is worth it.

My question is this… is hope helpful or is it a hindrance? In the current state of our world and our society is it still better to hope that things will change for the better or is it better to look at everything in a more realistic manner and see things for what they are, a MESS! Does hoping that that the gas prices will start to go down or that the relationship that you want so badly will actually work out really help… OR… is it better to look at those things in a more realistic manner and realize that the gas prices are only going to go up and that 50% of all first marriages in the America end in divorce. 

Personally I think that hope is a hindrance… I mean you can hope for the best but you should expect the worst. I think that it’s only when you see things for what they really are that you can you change them. Gas is only going to rise because Americans are going to continue to pay the prices, as we are too fucking lazy or proud to use public transportation. Marriages and relationships are going to continue to fail because everyday our society becomes more dysfunctional and we lose more of the already sorry ass morals that have been instilled in our youth.

When is time to say fuck hope and actually take a stand and make a difference? When is time to stop conforming? When is it time to stop expecting everyone else to do something and actually get off your ass and make an effort of change?

I always get pissed off when people complain about the President and then when asked who they voted for they say “I didn’t vote!” WELL SHUT THE FUCK UP Jack Ass! If you didn’t make an effort to vote your opinion doesn’t mean shit! Did you just HOPE that your vote would count by osmosis? Are you SERIOUS? The scary part of that is that yes… most people are…

Hope should be reserved for small things in life life I hope that my man will bring me flowers… but even that usually ends in disappointment because how many men are truly romantic enough anymore to remember or even just take the time to stop and pick up a simple bouquet?

Maybe I am wrong and maybe hope is what we need to pull our society out of the shitter, but maybe I’m right and we need to be more realistic and productive.

Mostly… I would like to know what you think on….