Right now in my life there are so many things happening that it’s a bit overwhelming. I find myself alone a lot more often thus giving me more time to think and reflect. This blog may end up long, scattered and emotional so if you chose to read further please beware.
As I sit here and reflect on the last months the only thing I can do is shake my head. It seems as life happened all around me as I slipped into whole that I couldn’t climb out of. I’ve made choices that I thought I would never, in a million years, make. For the last 6 months or so I noticed myself falling into a deep depression that just continued to get deeper and deeper, eventually it consumed me and I broke down. I seemed to have had lost the very essence of who I was and I felt completely and unequivocally hopeless.
In my poor decision making, I uprooted my life, left my home, friends and work, for what I thought was the love of my life… HUGE mistake. Love for me throughout my life has been extremely rare so when I found someone that meant the world to me and I fell in love, I fell hard and with the swiftness. Though my friends told me over and over that I was moving too fast and that they felt uneasy about the individual and situation, I didn’t listen and I let my heart take over. I didn’t really have the time to plan and take the appropriate steps of uprooting my life so when I made the move it was a disaster.
I moved to a city where I only knew one person and that was my “love”. He was, however, nice enough to introduce me to his friends, which in turn ended up becoming my friends. All I have to say is thank God for the new friends because without one of them in particular, I’m not sure if I would’ve ever made it back from my inner hell. When we first arrived to the new city, it really hit me that I may have made a mistake. I was alone, I’m a social butterfly so I need to be social. The “scene” and people here are very different than I’m used to and I just didn’t feel like I fit in. I also realized that the economy here was worse off than most so my income all but came to a halt. All of this took a toll on me so the overwhelming new stress mixed with the deepening depression was a mixture for catastrophe!
Now I don’t know about anyone else, but when I find myself stressed and depressed I tend to isolate myself. I stop talking to those closest to me, I become very scarce online and almost completely withdraw from the social scene. I become so consumed by my own personal hell that I can’t see past the pain. I made on last ditch effort to get back on track and took a trip back to LA to do a couple movies and visit some friends. We packed up, drove down and actually had a rather pleasant trip. Keep in mind that through all of this the tension between him and I had been building and it was, what I know now, the beginning of the end of our relationship. We made it down to LA, I got the test I needed to work and prepared for days of work ahead.
On the day of my first shoot, I called to get directions to the location and the director told me that the shoots had been canceled and I was pretty much s.o.l. I had planned on those shoots to cover the expenses of our trip so not working was devastating for me. Also while we were there I ended up pinching a nerve at the base of my spine which put me in excruciating pain and rendered me immobile. At this point I didn’t even want to ask what was going to go wrong next. With everything in LA going to shit, we had to make it back so that he could handle his business and take care of what he needed to take care of. Immediately upon arriving back I asked him to drop me off at the hospital… I needed pain pills. He dropped me off and returned later to pick me up.
At this point, I couldn’t take anymore. The emotional turmoil inside me could no longer be contained and I broke down. I cried uncontrollably, I lashed out in anger, I felt alone, hopeless, desperate, frustrated, overwhelmed, panicked and so on. It seemed like the more down I had become, the more distant he got from me. I admit, someone in utter distress is a lot to handle, but I figured if you love someone, you stand by them and give the the support they need to pull through. In our case, it didn’t happen like that. The more emotional and, honestly, irrational I was the less support I got from him which drove me further into the madness that couldn’t escape. In a few days, which seemed like months, we decided to live separately and work on ourselves. Though this is not what I wanted or why I moved here, I agreed because I knew I was a mess.
So in pain, stressed, depressed and totally confused I managed to get it together enough to move again. I didn’t want to admit it right away, but I knew when we separated that our relationship was over. We argued and continued to chat over the next couple of weeks, but it was pointless and we got nowhere. See for me, I wanted the relationship to work. I know I have a lot of personal issues to work on and I know my flaws, better than anyone else, I have never in my life said I was perfect. Even now I sit here and ponder… what happened to standing by your significant other? Vows these days don’t mean shit, not that we were gonna get married, but for better or for worse is a thing of the past. These days if things get too hard people hit the floor runnin and don’t have the courtesy to look back and see if they got dust in your eye.
I always figured that it was somewhat healthy for folks to be a bit selfish, but some people take it to the extreme. Maybe it’s because I’m a Scorpio or because I’m a woman, but I would give my life for the people I love, no questions asked. I would stand by my significant other through the good, bad or the ugly… but that’s just me. I truly believe in the statement “If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best”, and I stand by it wholeheartedly! If anyone ever uprooted their entire life for me, I’d be so appreciative and honored that I’d go out of my way to be supportive and understanding, but again… that’s just me.
Just a few hours ago I heard something that couldn’t have made me feel more unloved, unwanted or unappreciated, but as I look deep into who I know I am, it’s ok. It’s ok because I will pick myself up, dust off my pants and walk onward with my head held high. I need no one to validate my self worth or to give me value, I am a phenomenal woman and I know it! I fully admit that recently I have made some poor choices and I’m a bit embarrassed, but for me this is a learning experience and I will be stronger because of it. I’ve learned that when it comes to matters of the heart I need to be rational and not impulsive. Unfortunately, because of this experience, the little bit of trust that I did have was broken and I’m not likely to open myself up to be vulnerable again any time in the near future… but, maybe that’s not such a bad thing either!
Currently I’m just working on me. I’m taking the steps I need to grow as a person. I have a lot of things medically I need to take care of as well as mentally and emotionally. I’m not always proud to be the way I am, but it is what it is. I’ve always been nothing but honest and I own my issues… if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t be human. As for him… I wish him the best in his endeavors but I am making the choice to cut him from my life completely. This will be the first relationship I’ve ever ended and not remained friends, but I don’t feel like he deserves my friendship. If you break your commitment and abandon me when I need you most, you lose my respect and trust. To me love isn’t something that comes and goes, it leaves an everlasting impression. I will always love him, but I seriously doubt that I will ever again like him.
Maybe this blog has far too much personal information to put on the internet, but honestly… I don’t care. I feel better and since I am the only person that matters right now, fuggit! Shit, there may even be a 2nd installment, but right now it’s 4:30 am and I’m beat… much love!
Currently I am taking medicine that doesn’t necessarily curb my sexual appetite, but it makes it very difficult for me to climax. Now, I’m not sure what’s worse not wanting it at all or wanting it and having a hard time making it to the finish line… ugh! Now for a sex addict like me… that’s just not the business! All I know is I’d almost rather lose my left arm than the use of my clit… I’m just sayin, lol! (of course I’m right handed)
Stuffed Chicken Marsala: Oven-roasted chicken breast stuffed with Italian cheeses and sun-dried tomatoes, topped with mushrooms and a creamy marsala sauce. Served with garlic parmesan mashed potatoes… it makes my heart melt!
