Category Archives: Life

Lisa Marie Garbo aka BBW Bunny Britney Reloaded

Disclaimer: The following blog contains explicit content. Everything in this blog can be verified as true. Video and images were found on public domains. Read at your own discretion.

So a few years back I wrote about Lisa Marie Ferguson aka Lisa Marie Garbo aka BBW Bunny Britney.  I actually took the blog down for a while. LMG asked me to remove it and I’d figured it had been a long time, I’d moved on, but she couldn’t be satisfied and keep her mouth shut. I had high hopes that putting the truth out there would help open people’s eyes to the manipulation of this horrible woman. A woman who should be struck down by God himself for having the AUDACITY of calling herself a positive role model. I can assure you that this woman is anything BUT positive. I wrote about my personal experiences with her and why I have a problem with her being the spokesperson of ANYTHING plus size community related. I talked about how Lisa Marie made up erroneous accusations about myself and other adult industry workers while trying to hide the fact that she was an escort, adult model and porn actress. Oh how she so quickly forgets the days of BBW Bunnies. (click here for a few glances back at some BBW Bunny Britney memorabilia)

Now there have only been a couple of times ever that I’ve put people out on blast. I can guarantee that this is not for my own personal gratification. Personally I could care less about Lisa Marie or what comes of her. I have no personal gain to call her out, but I am overwhelmingly disgusted at how her actions affect people who I love dearly. She is obsessive, spiteful, relentless, ruthless and just downright evil. Yes, I said evil. I believe that there are good and bad people  in this world. I also believe that there are good people who do bad things… she’s not one of those people. I have never experienced the kind of pathetic obsession that this woman has, to not only hurt people, but to DESTROY them. She isn’t content with making up stories, spreading rumors or sicking her minions on people… nope, not Lisa Marie… she has to go to the extent of involving the law, trying to make people lose their job, hurting families and on and on and on. It’s sickening.

Beyond the fact that i find her to be a repulsive human being, I find her to be THE WORST possible plus size role model! How can someone who has undergone numerous body modifying surgeries stand in the public eye and promote self acceptance? Beyond the body positive movement she likes to claim that she is anti-bullying. Really Lisa Marie, REALLY? You are THE ULTIMATE bully! You will make it your life’s goal to torture someone simply for the fact that they refuse to participate in your monstrous acts. You Ms. Ferguson are detestable. It baffles me to even think that you have made a living off of people who have NO earthly idea of the kind of scandalous wretch you are. Dressing up in your victim attire, poor Lisa, always being picked on for no reason. Bitch please! No one deserves retaliation more than you. Is this harsh? Absolutely! Why? Because you are loathsome and the things you have done to people who have damn near worshiped you are repugnant.

Here is a post written by one of Lisa Marie’s latest victims… it speaks volumes.

Thank you all for your supportive emails letting me know that my former friend was slandering me during this very difficult time in my life. I have done my best to take the high road since day one. But I can no longer remain quiet while allowing this person to slander my name, hurt my family and spread lies to further her sick and twisted vendetta against me. She made me promise to NEVER put her stuff out, and I have kept my word, but now that Lisa Marie Ferguson is attacking my family, and my credibility all that is out the door. As her famous words go… “I never do this, but & Karma” well here we go.

FRAUD??? DOES SHE REALLLLLYYYY WANT TO GO THERE? Just ask her ex DJ, the court awarded him $8000.00 Because she’s the real FRAUD! I think she forgets ALLLLL that I know!!!!!!!!!

You all know me from my time at Club Bounce as a friend and supporter of Lisa Marie FERGUSON. You know her as Lisa Marie Garbo as she hides behind this FAKE name for some reason. For years, I stood by her, was always loyal and believed the lies she spun on a daily basis. Two years ago, I decided that I had taken enough abuse after hearing her tell people I was her slave and would do anything she told me to do!!!! When confronted about it she told me to get over it, that she was drunk so who cares. That’s when things started to go downhill. If you have ever worked for her, or been a friend to her, you know that moving on is a concept that she does not understand. I have watched as she has lied about me to anyone who would listen. She has called me many things but now she is trying to tell people that my disability is fake and that I am trying to use my desire to see my daughter graduate from basic training as a scam to get money from people. My daughter is learning to defend our Country and this is the bullshit that I am dealing with. She has the audacity to call herself a role model, and say she’s against bullying. WTF is this??? My disability is all too real and something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. While being a wife, and mother to my two girls I have had 8 brain surgeries over the past 4 years. It takes time, and multiple examinations to be deemed disabled by the federal government. I am not too proud to admit to you that this has been incredibly hard on me, but I’m a fighter and I am surviving through the pain and living my life to the best of my ability! I am far from perfect, but never would I ever hurt someone just because I can.

If you know me at all, you know that i tell it like it is! So here it is folks, the real truth behind the curtain of Bounce and Lisa Marie “Garbo”. Did you know that you were being scammed to sign up for a fake calendar that to this day has NEVER been made? This and many “opportunities” just like it were just gimmicks to get you in the door out of fear that she was losing customers to other clubs in the area. Most recently she has attacked other promoters for having monthly popularity contests when in fact Miss Bounce was rigged quite often to make sure only pretty girls or regulars were the winners!

She was kicked out of Long Beach, Norwalk, AlHambra and Whittier. Don’t believe the lies about her leaving because it was better for the customer. She only left because the venue would no longer have her there. “Plumbing Issues” were nonexistent – those were Lisa issues. She likes to claim that people make threats to her locations, she plays the victim but in fact there were many times where she paid people to spy at other clubs and so much more. She always says she makes enough money that she doesn’t have to play dirty…well she just pays other people to do it for her. This woman has been stalking me ever since I left! She does it to everyone who ever gets the balls the leave! Anyone she is afraid of, she hires to work for her such as her current photographer, if you can call a perv with a camera a photographer and her personal security guard. Her favorite thing to do is sit at her computer for hours stalking former friends, and or employees. Banning people from her club for whatever reason she feels like and then claims that she doesn’t.

She will tell you she isn’t racist, but remember when we had to shut down for “plumbing issues” in Long Beach (which were actually due to gun violence and a stabbing) and the club temporarily moved to a less desirable location called the Copa Cabana. It was a fun spot but after the first few nights we were there, she said it was too ghetto for her and Jenn and I worked the door and managed things because she was too scared to go there. Ever wonder why she spends most of her time, up front and out of the club? Now you know!

All those TV shows that she supposedly was going to do, or gearing up to do…they all kicked her to the curb when they found out what she was really about and all of the things she has hidden in her past!!! Sadly I now wish they had gone through. So, the camera would have been rolling after she hugs you, and rolls her eyes and talks mad shit behind your back.

Since she brought up my medical health, you should know about the many plastic surgeries she has had in an effort to look thinner and made up stories about having knee surgery or pneumonia to cover up for the time it took her to recover. Size acceptance boosting surgeries such as upper thigh liposuction and tucks , multiple tummy tucks, botox applications and a facelift for good measure. All very hush hush and all were the times when as a friend I was there for her to help her recover and take care of herself. I literally had to help her wipe her own ass!! The many late night calls that she just knew someone was going to break in and rob her. The many calls that she is ready to end her life because she has no one. Of course always on Valentines, or Birthdays. She is a mental case, and I actually feel sorry for her. I was a friend so I helped her when she had no one else to be there for her because she has driven every real friend away with behavior just like she has done with me. She’s driven away her OWN family to the point where they want nothing to do with her! She likes to blame that on me as well, but the real truth is that they know her and that’s enough reason!

Obviously I could go on and on with factual statements from behind the scenes, but this is enough to let you know that the person talking all the trash, and trying to hurt me and my family is not someone who can be trusted. Always check out both sides of the story because you might just find out that the person talking the loudest and refusing to let go is not who she claims to be. She likes to use her money to buy friendships, gives gifts like manicures or hairdos so she will have someone to hang out with and then uses those gifts later to hold over your head…use as guilt trips to make you feel like you owe her…anyone that uses money or gifts to control people or buy friendships is not a trustworthy person or someone who deserves to be in my life or anyone else’s.

She has multiple people who literally HATE her…now you know why! No wonder she put in a mega security system and has to have someone follow her home at night to make sure no one gets her!!!! If that many people see you as an enemy after a while how can anyone not see who the real problem is??!!! SHE IS THE PROBLEM! I have always tried to move on and be the better person in this situation, and I always AM the BETTER person here! I felt it was time you knew the truth and you can decide for yourself! There are so many other things I could tell you, but I have a life and much better things to do with my time! This already took enough of it.

In conclusion, I fully expect the standard responses from the LMG camp… you know, the real adult comments like “Desiree Devine is a known hoe with STD’s!” LMFAO. Yup, I expect it all. I have never dealt with such immature “adults” in all my life. For a woman 13 years my senior, you would think she could handle her business like a REAL woman and not an immature psychopath, but that would be FAR too much to ask.

I’m not perfect, no one is, but there is NO reason to be so horrible. I think that when people learn to love themselves they learn to accept themselves and the world around them. When we’re happy as humans, we don’t have the desire to harm others. If you are miserable and misguided, seek professional help. There’s no shame in taking steps to live a better life.


Merry Christmas!

I want to wish everyone around the World a very Merry Christmas, Happy: Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and Holidays! May your day be filled with fond memories, love and laughter. This Christmas has given me so much, and I’m not speaking in terms of material items.

For many years I have been somewhat of a Grinch and had always done my best to avoid the Holidays due to my own personal reasons. This year a few select people have helped me to see that the Holidays, though not ideal, could be a wonderful time of celebration. I have always done my best to be grateful and appreciative for everyone and everything, but I think sometimes we all get a little lost in what we wish we had. When I pulled my head out my ass, I actually realized that what I have is even better than what I was stuck hoping for.

Today I am beyond grateful for my life, in all facets. I am thankful for every lesson, every gift, every second spent with loved ones and every day that I get to wake up and start anew. I am also beyond grateful that I am able to share my life and experiences with all of you! Much love this Holiday season!

Thanks isn’t enough!

This blog is far overdue and for that I sincerely apologize. So much has happened since my last entry, it will take several follow-up blogs to tell you everything, but for now I just want to get to the most important update. This is a follow-up to my last blog, In a time of need…

Both Platinum and I would like to thank those who lent a helping hand, whether it was $5 or $300, every cent mattered. We were overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and fans. We were able to move into a new home and acquire some of the basic necessities. We also appreciate everyone who donated household items to help us get started! There is no “Thank you!” big enough to express how grateful we are. We are blessed to have each and every person in our lives.

It has been a month since we moved into our new condo and I must say it is AMAZING! We were able to do some very inexpensive decorating and it feels just like home. It’s warm and full of life, but mostly SAFE. We live in a MUCH better, gated and secured community. LUCKILY, the rotten thieves didn’t steal my cupcake kitchen decor and it all fits perfectly in our new kitchen! Below you will find a couple of pics of our new place!

The only downside to our place is that the floors are bamboo throughout and the ceilings are high and vaulted so it makes quite an acoustic environment. When I say you can hear everything, I mean EVERYTHING! If a fly farts it echoes! When the vibrators are on it sounds like chainsaws and lawn mowers… don’t even get me started on hearing each other having sex, lol! I think our next project is to sound proof the bedrooms! Oh… and we a ghost, but it’s cool until it starts making messes!

Again, thank you ALL for your love and support. ❤

In a time of need…

I would like to begin by stating my apologies in advance. This blog has taken me over a week of thought and has proven one of the most difficult things I have ever had to write. This is going to be the first time in my entire career that I am going to open up and ask for a very personal favor. If you have gotten to know me throughout the last few years, or are just now learning me, you will find that I am very proud and very driven. I try my best to keep my personal life private and that includes my personal tragedies. I will warn you now, if you’re not up for some in-depth reading, you might want to turn back.

This has been a very tough yet fulfilling year for me in many ways. I have been cancer free for a little over a year now, I have rekindled a relationship that I had feared lost forever, I was part of a very successful ground breaking event and I have relocated to Las Vegas in hopes of pursuing my long time goals and passions. Upon moving to Vegas I was not familiar with the city beyond the infamous Strip. Though I had traveled to Vegas many times in the past I’d never ventured out much past downtown. Unfortunately while looking for a residence we didn’t take the time to really research the areas and based our search off of online searches and floor plans… we REALLY should’ve paid more attention to the reviews. Anywho… we got into an apartment that seemed like a good deal since it was just going to be temporary. Needless to say, it was HELL.

As usual, I travel a lot, as does my roommate and our other, newly acquired, roommate. Myself and Platinum headed to the East Coast for an impromptu tour after BBW FanFest and Jezebel headed to LA for a visit with her mom. We all ended up being gone for much longer than anticipated, but after being gone a month Jezebel returned and everything seemed fine. It wasn’t until she was away at her boyfriend’s that our apartment was broken into, they kicked in the front door, and we were cleaned out. Luckily, Jezebel kept most everything at her bf’s, but I wasn’t so lucky. Everything I am left with pretty much consists of a bed frame, dresser and a desk. It would take me awhile to list everything they took, but I can tell you the even took the food out of the freezer. I was shocked to find that they took all of my clothes as I am MUCH bigger than the average woman, lol, I mean really, who is gonna fit into them?

So without going into a complete sob story of how this event has devastated me in particularly, I will just say that after growing up in foster care and not having much, I take it especially hard when people steal from me… not to mention the breach of my personal and private space. The hardest part has been how nonchalant the apartment management has been and how they have shown zero concern about our safety… NOT TO MENTION how they are trying to fuck us with the renter’s insurance. It seems as the property has changed management since we have been there and through the transition had let the insurance lapse. Mind you they NEVER gave us notice of this cancellation NOR did they stop accepting our money every month to cover it. They are not making it easy on us for sure and we are the victim’s. At this point it looks as though we will need to acquire an attorney and sue them for our loss.

As we cannot possibly stay there any longer we will need to find a new, safe, place to live and replace everything that we lost out-of-pocket. I cannot tell you that this event could NOT have taken place at a worse time for us financially as we have invested most of our personal funds into future business ventures. We have worked SO insanely hard over the last 6+ months to procure new ventures and have done some intense networking in hopes of making some long time dreams become reality.

These kind of things are never easy to deal with but we are doing our best to deal with the situation and stay positive and motivated. Even though it was not how we had hoped to do it, this has pushed us into moving into a better more secure place so we can focus on all of the amazing things we have in the works.

So… without making you read anymore and turning this into a novel I will do what has been so difficult for me and get to the point. We are asking for those who can, to lend a hand in our time of need. We have lost pretty much everything and without insurance money starting over isn’t going to be easy. We are working on covering our moving costs and getting the essentials, we can build the rest over time. We’re not asking for a handout, we have thank you gifts for those who can help out and I will list them below. I will also add a link to our site where you can donate using your credit card though a secure processor. We will also be working on updating our Amazon wish lists and you can also donate using Greendot or gift cards to places like Walmart, Target, Bed Bath & Beyond etc.! If you live in Vegas and have mattresses or any other furniture or household items you would like to donate, please shoot me an email!

We can’t thank you enough for your support and generosity in this time of need. To show our gratitude, below is a list of gifts we are offering for your donation. Please accept our humble thanks as we embark on our next chapter.

$20 & ↑ – Personalized phone call from both Desiree & Platinum
$50 & ↑ – Call + Membership to both &
$100 & ↑ – Call + Memberships + Autographed DVD
$300 & ↑ – Call + Memberships + DVD + Custom video

To donate via credit card please visit
To donate using Greendot or other gift cards please email
Desiree’s Amazon wish list
Platinum’s Amazon wish list

As always, thank you for your continued LoVe and support!
XoXo, Desi

Free To Be Me!

A quick update: Well  I’m a couple of months settled into my place here and Vegas and as of now, it’s the best move I could’ve made! Not only have I gotten back to living a life I love, I have gotten back to WORK… lol! I still need to get to shooting again and start working on webcam more, but I’m definitely staying busy with traveling and private sessions. I gotta say… I LoVe my life!

As of lately everything has been going so well and I have been so happy I had almost all but forgotten about all the folks around the world that don’t exactly approve of my lifestyle and chosen profession. Today I received a text about how God disapproves of my sexual sin and need to find my way back into His grace before the end of days. My response to that… no response at all. Look… to all the Bible thumping Jesus freaks who think it’s their job to judge, you too are committing sin. I’m not sure why religious people seem to know less about the written word than us mere sinners, but it clearly states that no one sin is greater than the other. So if my sin is being a whore and your sin is judging me for it… then by the standards of YOUR God, we are both condemned to the depths of hell. I am by NO standards religious, in fact I actually disdain organized religion, but I am spiritual and believe that our existence is too perfect to have been by chance. However in MY world, I imagine the God that everyone speaks of is kind, accepting and ultimately forgiving.

I figure that if my family and friends know what I do and I can live with the opinions of the people who REALLY matter to me, everyone else’s opinion is irrelevant. As long as I can live with my choices knowing that I am not hurting anyone and can sleep with a clear conscience… I am free to be me, without regret. I may not live a conventional life, but I’m also not the kind of person that would be happy living in a box. My world is vast and amazing. I have been places that I never thought I would go, met people who I NEVER thought I would meet and have been able to do things, for myself and others, that I would have otherwise never been able to do.

The best part of being me is that I don’t judge and I don’t make people feel bad about who they are or how they live. I figure if you are not causing pain or drama then be exactly who you want to be. I have a picture hanging on my wall that says “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” and every day I read it and think “There’s no one else I’d rather be!” I may not be perfect but dammit, I’m pretty fuckin awesome! I urge you to live outside the box, be unique and don’t listen to those who throw stones. You only get one life and it’s up to you to live it to its fullest potential. If you’re looking for happiness, look inside yourself and make a choice to make a change. What’s right for you may not be what’s right for everyone else but that doesn’t make it wrong.

As always, thank you for the continued love and support! (✿◠‿◠)

Sin City Radio!

So last Sunday night I got the awesome privilege of going on the radio here in Las Vegas with the super fabulous women of The Curvaceous Bounty of Sin City! I can’t possibly begin to tell you how much fun I had… I seriously laughed so hard at points I almost piddled my pants… the broads a HE-FUCKING-LARIOUS I tell you! I am going to post the link so you too can piddle in your pants and get to know me a little bit better!

Click here to watch my interview on Ustream!

Vegas Baby!

Well it’s official folks… I have made the permanent transplant to Las Vegas! I will still be traveling and touring but my residence will be Vegas indefinitely! I have spent so much time in Vegas off and on over the past few years it really doesn’t seem like much of a move, rather an extended stay if you will.

I’m very much looking forward to all of the upcoming projects I have in place here in Vegas, as well as the ones that are in the planning stages. This move also means I will be more able to webcam on a REGULAR basis. You can now find me on cam live on & I will be organizing and announcing a cam schedule soon so stay tuned!

I am also available for private session in Vegas, so if you’re coming to Sin City and want to commit multiple acts of sin with me just shoot me an email at desiree@desireeondemand and let me make your fantasies a reality!

Until next time, thank you all for your continuing love & support!

Fuckin’ Perfect!

Lately I have been going through somewhat of a slump. The change of coming off the road and trying to settle down in a new place has not been an easy one for me. I miss the constant go and the new adventures. I miss the freedom of not being attached to a lease and being free to up and go on a whim… and mostly, I miss the company. When you live in one place, people have routines and lives that absorb their time and the excitement of hanging out, though it’s always awesome, tends to wear off a bit.

However, the BEST thing about being in THIS place is the AMAZING friends I have here. I have great old friends and have gained some phenomenal new ones as well. Though this is a huge change for me and is taking some getting used to, I don’t think I would have it any other way.

During my little funk I realized how fucking spectacular my friends really were when one posted this song on my Facebook. Have you ever heard a song that you could have sworn was written JUST for you? Well this one is ours. SO… I want to share this with ALL of my amazing friends and let you know that you are nothing less than fucking perfect… period… and when you’re lost and you have forgotten how spectacular you are, just have another listen!

Here are the lyrics:

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Always second guessing
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we try, try, try
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re fuckin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you’re fucking perfect to me

Goodbye Grudge!

This blog is about letting go… think of it like writing something out on paper and then lighting it on fire… the smoke disappears into the air as do the negative thoughts and feelings. I have to put the way I truly feel out into the open to acknowledge it before I can completely let go… trust it won’t be pretty, but it will be honest.

If you have followed me through the last couple of years and have read my blogs and such, then you are already aware of my “problem” areas. For those who haven’t I will do a little recap. There have been a few people come in and out of my life, one in particular that I can actually say I hate with every fiber of my being. With that said… it’s not healthy to hate. The time has come for me to let it go and move on with my life. The fact is, is that this person is a parasite on humanity, a sociopathic hemorrhoid on the ass of society… simply a wretched waste of flesh and oxygen. Knowing that though makes me question why I even waste my time letting them get under my skin. I find that this person is like a fungus that purposely tries to attach itself to the people in my life so it has a constant presence… that’s where some of the sociopathic tendencies come into play. So…  why let someone so repulsive affect my emotions?

While around this person I found that they were a negative, drama filled force and I hated the person that I was while with them. It’s amazing how someone can have SO much drama in their life and project it to make it seem like everyone else is the cause… I guess they flunked the 3rd grade math class where you learn about common denominators. The thing about me is that I absorb the emotions of the people around me… if there is stress, sadness, joy, love… I feel it all. I am very in tune to what’s going on around me and that can be a blessing and a curse.
It wasn’t until I left the situation that I saw what a vortex of drama they were. When you are able to remove yourself from a scenario where you are lead to believe that you are part of the problem and the problem continues to grow without you, it’s quite a relief. Outside of that circumstance I live my life relatively drama free, with the exception of a few hiccups along the way. I have little drama, they have an abundance… I hate that I took on their drama infested life and let it eat me inside… never again.

Now it’s one thing to owe me money and not pay me back because of financial struggle, but to not pay me back and flaunt your purchases around is a different story. This part I have already let go because I know I will never see a penny but the financial karma Goddess has already been set in motion and their life is going to stay in a state of financial misery with no light at the end of that broke, foreclosed tunnel. I still think it’s sad though that other people continue to get sucked into the scam. Oh well, people will learn and eventually there will be no more bridges to burn. You can only juggle with dynamite so long before one blows up in your face. Though it’s humorous to watch the vile creature try to spew out wisdom to the masses about haters and such knowing damn good and well that they are actually referring to themselves… who better to talk shit about people talking shit than a shit talker? LOL… pure ironic comedy!

In the end I have no regrets… I learned what I was meant to learn and I am now where I need to be. I’m happier now than I could’ve ever actually imagined. Do I wish bad things on them, no… do I wish them well, not exactly, I’m pretty much indifferent. Do I hope that one day I will catch them alone in a back alley or in front of me in a cross walk… a little bit, lol! My hope is that they will one day figure out what class truly means and slither back to their hole in their grimy part of the world. I do admit that at one point I was blind and truly cared for this individual… you can’t have hate unless you have once had love… but that fine line was crossed and the ugly boiled up inside of me.

With ALL of the amazing things I have in my life today, I simply don’t have time for ugly, hate or any negatives.  I have so much to be thankful for that harboring this resentment makes me feel ungrateful for the blessings I have been handed. So my end to this is to simply choose to let it all go. I hand it over to the universe and have faith that one day, probably not anytime soon, I will be able to be in the same room without the possibility of an altercation. The thing about life is that it is what you make of it through the choices you make. Today I choose to let go of the past and the things that hold me back. I choose to grow as a person and look forward to a brighter tomorrow. Our time here on earth is a short one so I’m gonna embrace life and live it to the fullest!

Let the flames of the universe burn the past and the wind of life carry away the tainted smoke. Breathe in the air of tomorrow and be filled with bliss… goodbye.

2010… Reflections…

Well, it’s officially New Year’s Eve… the very last day of 2010! This is my diary of reflection… it may take a bit so you may want to grab a beverage and get comfy!

This year has been one of the longest yet shortest years of my life. Though time felt as if it was racing by, soooo much has happened. I would LoVe to tell you that  it was all glory and roses but, as you know, I’m no chimney so blowing smoke is not my specialty. However, this year DEFINITELY has had its high points, and those very points have made all of the rest worth it. I learned a long time ago that you have to go through what you need to to get to where you want to be. The struggles in life make us appreciate the blessings… plus there is a natural balance to life, the ebb and flow of the universe guarantees that we will have our ups and downs.

The year started off strong out of the gate! I spent the first half touring the East Coast… finding a new LoVe for NYC and NJ… then the other half touring the upper and mid sections of the U.S. Along my path I met some AMAZING people, dropped some feckless and hindering baggage,  partied like a rock star, found myself, laughed, cried, hurt, healed and discovered my life’s true passion. I have always known what my passion was for, I just could never figure out how to go about implementing it.

I got into the adult industry a few years ago, not because I thought having sex on camera was my life’s calling, but because I wanted to help show the world that it is ok to be proud of who you are and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I wanted to open people’s eyes to see the error in societies flawed sense of what makes a woman’s body beautiful. It has always been my belief that beauty is not just skin deep, but it radiates from the most inner core of the soul. I discovered long ago that my way of doing things is generally opposite of everyone else’s way of doing them… which is ok… it just means more work on my part, lol!

A lot of people think that because I am an adult entertainer that I am less than human. That I somehow was forced into making this awful decision… and though I HATE to admit that I fall into most of the stereotypical scenarios of a standard porn chick… I do. I am severely flawed and dysfunctional. I have never denied my issues, in fact… quite the opposite. I embrace my issues as a part of who I am. My flaws make me human and I am perfectly ok with that. Having as many issues as I do removes any pressure to try to be perfect. I am flawed, therefore I am expected to fuck up! Though I don’t go around messing things up because I am expected to, I also don’t beat myself up when I do. I take each situation as a learning experience and try to implement the lessons I learn in other aspects of my life. My issues are also what allows me to do what I do without any sense of emotional attachment.

As most everyone knows, I have been single for a very long time and though I have found LoVe, I am always hesitant to let someone into my dark world. This year, because of my move to AZ, I ended up spending Christmas day alone on my sofa watching Netflix. Of course I corresponded via text, internet and phone, it was a pretty long day of solitude. Because, as two friends pointed out, I am an emotional cutter, I decided that on Christmas day I was going to face a few of my past demons, I watched “Precious”.  I have been avoiding this movie for a VERY long time because I knew that when I watched it it would bring up some of my own extremely painful and difficult memories. I have tried very hard as an adult to put my past behind me, but one thing I have learned throughout the years is that by stuffing all of the ugly history away, we give it power. When things are all out in the open and laying there in front of you… they just don’t seem so powerful anymore. The more we face our fears, the less afraid we become.

On Christmas day I faced my childhood head on… and it was liberating. Though I cried like a toddler and felt like my chest was going to cave in, I realized that things can always be worse. I dried my face, took a deep breath and became surprisingly thankful for the events of my childhood. The things I went through have made me the person I am today and today I can say I LoVe me. I am content with who I am and can proudly say that I have lived. I have lived MY life on MY terms and wouldn’t have it any other way. There are a lot of people who stand back and feel ok with judging me for my choices… but they were MY choices to make. I am not ashamed of anything that I have done, like I said before… it will all help mold me into the person I am meant to become.

The one on ONLY thing I have ever been 100% certain of in my entire life was that I wanted to do something or be someone who could/would help other people learn how to be ok with who they are. I used to want to be a youth counselor but I don’t ever think I could come to terms with having to interact with an abuser. I know that abuse is most of the time a cycle, and that an abuser is generally themselves a victim of abuse… it just never registered with me how someone who has gone through that kind of pain could inflict it on others. It wasn’t until I was older and “different” that I discovered the desire to help people with their body image… it all starts with working from the inside out. If you are beautiful inside it will show outside.

In the last few months I have been EXTREMELY blessed. I have moved to a place I am growing to LoVe, finally received some MUCH needed medical insurance and have some place that I can finally call home… it’s not much, but it’s ALL mine! I have greater friends than I could have ever asked for, LoVe that keeps me grounded and stable, health, though not perfect by any means, I am alive and able to take care of myself… that’s all anyone can rally ask for. I have found work that I am SOOOO passionate about and that I LoVe whole heartedly. I feel that in this moment my life is full and complete… there is very little more that I could ask for.

In the coming year I will be making a lot of personal life changes and making some very difficult transitions. I am very excited about my new direction… it has been such a long time since I was filled with so much passion. I guess it comes when you truly believe in what you’re doing. Though changes are not always easy, my hope is that people will continue to support me through them and enjoy the journey with me. I almost feel like I am, yet again, getting a second chance at life and I refuse to not grab it by the horns and hold on as long a humanly possible.

For all of those who were a part of my life in 2010, thank you… thank you for being a part of my journey… god or bad. Without you I would not be where I am today and have the wisdom of the past to guide me in my future. I look forward to the New Year with new beginning and new goals. I give thanks to the past years for all of the lessons and memories that I will take with me into each new day. My this New Year bring peace and prosperity to the world and may we learn how to let go of all of the negative, as it will only keep us from our own happiness.

From me to you… have a safe and blessed New Year!

XoXoXo, DD