As I sit here in my new Arizona apartment, alone and quiet, watching movies of love lost and then found, I am overwhelmed by emotion. It has been a long time since I last wrote, but not because I was too busy, but more because I could not find my words. The only time I have ever been able to write is when I feel what I have to say matters… maybe not to the general population but to me or someone who may need to hear my words at that exact moment in time. This blog may be a bit lengthy but I am going to take you on a very personal journey, one that I have lived over the last several months.
As most everyone knows I have been traveling, as some would say a nomad, for quite some time. In my heart I had no real purpose or direction. It was quite an adventure, one that I wish everyone got to experience at least once in their lifetime. I have traveled all over the country and have met some amazing, and some not so amazing, people along the way. I have seen how people eat, live, talk, believe and love all over the country. With this being the United States it’s so funny to observe how separate we really are. The discrimination I have witness is appalling in this day and age as is the quality of human relationships. In fact just the other day I had a long conversation with someone about how the natural order of the universe has been thrown off-balance by the human race, how we have created thing that are unnatural and that is why the world is in such turmoil. Even things like language has divided our world and broken down our lines of communication… for example, animals from anywhere in the world can communicate just fine. Do you think when a dog from Lebanon comes to the States and barks at another dog he thinks “Dude… I don’t speak that woof!” NO, one woof is as good as the next, they communicate without missing a beat. However, on the other end of that I have seen boundless generosity, people who have given their last dollar to someone because they knew they needed it more, I have seen timeless love, when looks have faded, sex has subsided and everything annoying about a person has come to light… 30 years later they couldn’t imagine living one day without each other.
I have been blessed to know people from all walks of life… different shapes, sizes, colors, religion, sexual orientations, cultures and so on. Knowing all of these people and being open to learn from them has given me a gift that I wish I could share with the world… it has given me perspective. See for me I get to look at the world through a looking-glass… I get to stand back and see the WHOLE picture, not just the part of the picture that fits into a small frame. When I look at life I see just how insignificant things are on the grand scale. I see that compared to the universe, earth is like a grain of sand and if you were to think of earth’s existence in a 24 hour time span it has only been created in the last 7 seconds. When you look at things on a larger scale you can really put them in perspective. I know that at some points in time my perspective has been skewed and I have closed myself into that tiny box that I am always trying to burn. I can’t see the big picture because I am to busy trying to get the frame to fit… the problem is the picture doesn’t need to fit the frame, the frame needs to fit the picture.
A lot has happened to me in the last several months. I hate to say that it hasn’t all been positive, but I can say that I have lived and learned. I can also say that I have laughed til I’ve cried and opened my heart to receive. For me, like many, when I get hurt or burned I try to close up like a clam and not let anyone else in hopes that staying guarded will keep my heart safe, but truthfully the only thing it really does is keep your heart lonely. I guess for me the saying “It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.” is true. I also think that we have to go through the bad times to appreciate the good ones. I just wish that it didn’t always take so long for me to remember these lessons when things happen. I would love it if I had a little directory to refer to when situation occurred to show me a similar situation, the outcome and lessons learned.
It has taken me to get to this moment to really reflect on the past months to see how trivial everything has really been. I have focused my time in attention on people and things of little importance instead of focusing on the issues that affect the big picture. I had known for quite some time that I had not been feeling well and instead of listening to my body I continued to press on in hopes that I would one day wake up and feel better… of course it just continued to get worse until I found myself with some pretty serious health issues and having to grow roots and seek treatment. One thing I forget a lot of the time is that we are all pictures within a bigger picture and unless we take care of ourselves we won’t be there to complete our part. Too often people leave this world too early and never get the chance to make their mark. I don’t want to be one of those people. Though I am not afraid of death, I want my life to have meant something even if it means that helped 1 person feel good about who they were or that despite my many flaws I was a good person… to me that would be enough.
So… for the next year I will be living around Phoenix Arizona, so if anyone is near here please reach out and say hello. I have also teamed up with a great girl, Christylee, to do plus size club promotions and events starting with the existing Club Fullfilled! I’ve VERY excited about this new partnership, especially since I will be doing something I LoVe and have wanted to do for several years. There will be more info to follow on the club so stay tuned. At the end of the day you have to take hold of your own paintbrush and design the mark you want to make on the world. Personally, I want my mark to be beautiful and full of light and soul, not dark and filled with anger and regret. I am making a vow to lighten my spirit by letting go of the negative and dedicating my picture to LoVe, LiFe and Laughter!