Tag Archives: discrimination

2013 Underway!

Well we’re 15 days into the New Year and I feel like I’m knocking on death’s door. Unfortunately, I got struck down by this years flu and am just now starting to see some improvement after yesterdays venture to the ER. I am going to share with you a story about my ER experience, since it has really been my only experience of the New Year, besides being stuck in the house going through a box of tissue and a bottle of NyQuil a day.

Here was my experience:

We had seen this hospital several times in passing, as we live nearby. After being sick for 11 days, and with fever and the inability to breath, I decided it was time for the ER. I drove myself and Platinum, who was also ill, to the hospital. As we were on the freeway near the hospital we saw a billboard that said FAST ER waiting time 19 mins. We thought “Awesome” and figured we would be seen quickly. Needless to say, that billboard was GROSSLY inaccurate. We checked in at approx 1:30pm and was not called to triage until about 2:40pm. Out entire ER experience lasted about 6 hours and I did have a 1 hour breathing treatment.

While waiting in the ER I had the most heartbreaking and disturbing experience. A little old lady, 96 to be exact, was asked to go into the public women’s restroom alone to pee in a cup. I followed the lady in, after I was given some meds myself for fever. God only knows how she filled her cup, but she was crying, trying to get up from the toilet and pull up her pants. I offered her my help right away. I had her hold onto my shoulders and hoisted her up, pulled up her depends and pants, put the lid on her urine, put it in the bag and literally put my hands under her arms and carried her out to her wheelchair where her son was waiting. She had told me that she had fallen and she was afraid that she had injured her back… I cannot believe the hospital staff asked her to go in there alone. Afterwards when I brought it to the attention of the nurses they apologized to ME and told me I shouldn’t have helped her because I was already sick and could’ve hurt myself. They should’ve been apologizing to her and not made her gone alone! I was furious and disgusted how things were handled. I wasn’t trying to be a hero, I just did what I thought was right and was saddened at the fact that no one else even acknowledged the inhumanity of it all.

I understand that hospitals get busy. I also understand that this was a new area, that they were under staffed and having technical issues with the computer system. I also understand there is absolutely NO excuse that makes this situation okay. The thing is people are so wrapped up in their own shit that they don’t even realize that could’ve easily been them, their mother, grandmother or loved one. We have got to do better people.

Moving forward this year, I am going to remember this experience and make sure I always do my part. I figure the best way to strike a change is to lead by example.


God & The Sinner

I have never before spoken on the subject of religion, but as today is Christmas Eve, I found it fitting… I also got a message that struck up a rather interesting conversation. Most people seem to confuse me as an Atheist because I do not believe in organize religion… that is in fact inaccurate, I am not an Atheist. Atheist, by definition, is a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings… I do not. I very much believe that there is a “God” or a supreme being.

My biggest issue with religion is that it is a man-made structure of belief. There are literally thousands of religions around the world and who to say which religion is “right”? As I see it, there are about 4 people going to Heaven, lol. Then there is the issue of the Bible, also written by man, which has been written and rewritten all based off of interpretations. Once as a kid, I read the Bible, cover to cover, and seemed to understand it very differently than the way most religions teach it. I also find that some of the biggest hypocrites on Earth can be found in churches all around the World.

If so many religions preach peace, why can they not live it and accomplish it? If religion preaches love and acceptance, why are people so full of hate and judgement? If religion teaches the importance of family and togetherness then why are there foster homes, retirement homes, homes for difficult teens, etc. No one takes care of their families anymore, we just shove them off for someone else to take of them because it makes our own lives easier… SMH.

The conversation that lit this fire for me is below…

Mike Leroy Jnr
Repent from fornication and immorality porn woman remember hell is real and your body is d temple of the lord – repent now before it too late christ is knocking

Desiree Devine
LMAO… thank you for the chuckle… I needed a good laugh today! Happy Holidays!

Mike Leroy Jnr
Its not funny you may ridicule the word today but don’t regret tommorrow a word is enough for the wise

Desiree Devine
I’m not the one ridiculing sweets, that would be you. I love and accept everyone for who they are. In fact, I have read the Bible, cover to cover, have you? The same “Lord” that you are referring to states that He does not call upon the righteous as it is the sinners who need repentance… he died for the sinners… ergo Jesus loves and will embrace me even as a sinner. The Bible also states very clearly, and I quote: MATTHEW 7:1-5:

“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull the mote out of thine eye; and behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

I am no fool. I understand better than you realize. So… please… do not worry about me and my ways as a sinner, but worry about your damnation as a hypocrite. All sins are equal in the eyes of God.


Now the gentleman has yet to respond to my last message, but I don’t assume he will. The thing about people like me who dispute religion is that we have to study more about religion than the people who claim to be religious. Funny how I have to be extensively educated about religion to dispute it, but you have to know zero about it to shove it down my throat and tell me that I shall be eternally damned. Again, SMH!

On that note, I wish coexisteveryone around the World the HAPPIEST of Holidays. May your days be filled with love and laughter!

BBW FanFest 2012

This is an exciting topic to blog about, especially for me… as most people know, back in 2008, myself and a few of my fellow BBW’s sued Adultcon for size discrimination. We rented booth space, but when we sent in photos of ourselves to be placed on their event website, we were denied due to not being “height/weight proportionate”. It was a major slap in the face considering that we work just as hard in this industry, if not harder, than the skinny porn folk. It is also known that AVN is not an avid supporter of BBW. There are very few BBW related movies that ever get nominated and there are definitely NO BBW talent categories. Exxxotica is a neutral convention… though they welcome us, they do not promote us as being a part of the event. At the end of the day BBW’s are like the red-headed step child of porn. I  understand that we are in what’s considered to be a fetish/niche market, but come on.

The exciting news is… there is a NEW convention that is exclusively for BBW’s and the fans who love us! It is called BBW FanFest and it pops off for the first time in Las Vegas, July of 2012, the weekend prior to the annual Las Vegas BBW Bash! There will be more details to follow very soon… be guaranteed that I will keep you up to speed on this event as it unfolds… I’m VERY excited!

Here is a random pic from one of the photo shoots we did for the BBW FanFest marketing campaign…Me with Lexxxi Luxe and Ms. Dawn P.

Jokes vs Insults!

Before I begin this entry I want to start by saying that I am the least politically correct person I know. I find humor in the just plain wrong… but if it’s done in the spirit of laughter I’m all about it. I LoVe to laugh and do it more than most about things that most “normal” people find offensive… sooo if I’m not laughing… you’ve gone too far. There is a bold line between joking about something and being just down right insulting.

When you look around after telling a “joke” are you the only one laughing? If so, chances are you’ve crossed the line. I have several friends that are career comedians… a few of my closest ones being Keith FromUpDaBlock, Felipe Esparza and Diaz Mackie… and though they poke fun at some pretty delicate topics they do it in the spirit of fun. To me being funny is almost an art, not everyone was born with a funny bone some were just born with a stick up their ass. Some people open their mouth and you can’t help but laugh, but others couldn’t deliver a punch line if they were being assisted by a ventriloquist. Then there are those who THINK they’re funny, but they are really just douchebags who think insulting people is funny.

There is nothing less funny on this planet than watching someones feelings get hurt. The gloom that comes over their face is heart breaking and there is NOTHING comical about that. I don’t know about you, but I have been to comedy shows where comedians have crossed the line from funny to insulting and this whole awkward silence falls over the room but he just didn’t get it and kept digging until people actually got up and left. People actually looked traumatized but yet the comedian was cracking up like he had just inhaled a balloon full of nitrous oxide. I can only speak for myself but I don’t find it fun if everyone isn’t laughing with me.

I mean, I find things like ☚ this picture HILARIOUS even though some would find it offensive, but I don’t believe that the person who came up with it thought “I hate fat people so I am going to make this shirt so fatty’s all over the world will feel my contempt!” LOL… seriously! Now if the shirt said fat people shouldn’t be allowed in the forest because they might ignite a forest fire from their chafing thighs… then maybe… but I would probably still find even that a bit humorous… I know, I’m sick!

My whole point is that to joke about being broke and making light of the struggle is much different than putting people down for not being as well off as you and laughing “at” them. NO ONE wants to be laughed at… we should ALL want to be laughed with. I personally think that laughter is good for the soul but if done in malice you are paving your own express lane straight to hell. We have to make light of things in life or we would all be depressed and suicidal but there are boundaries, and as human beings we should be aware and practice the art of respect.

I have a much obscure line than most when it comes to what I deem as humorous… at what point do you think the line has been crossed?

My Picture…

As I sit here in my new Arizona apartment, alone and quiet, watching movies of love lost and then found, I am overwhelmed by emotion. It has been a long time since I last wrote, but not because I was too busy, but more because I could not find my words. The only time I have ever been able to write is when I feel what I have to say matters… maybe not to the general population but to me or someone who may need to hear my words at that exact moment in time. This blog may be a bit lengthy but I am going to take you on a very personal journey, one that I have lived over the last several months.

As most everyone knows I have been traveling, as some would say a nomad, for  quite some time. In my heart I had no real purpose or direction. It was quite an adventure, one that I wish everyone got to experience at least once in their lifetime. I have traveled all over the country and have met some amazing, and some not so amazing, people along the way. I have seen how people eat, live, talk, believe and love all over the country. With this being the United States it’s so funny to observe how separate we really are. The discrimination I have witness is appalling in this day and age as is the quality of human relationships. In fact just the other day I had a long conversation with someone about how the natural order of the universe has been thrown off-balance by the human race, how we have created thing that are unnatural and that is why the world is in such turmoil. Even things like language has divided our world and broken down our lines of communication… for example, animals from anywhere in the world can communicate just fine. Do you think when a dog from Lebanon comes to the States and barks at another dog he thinks “Dude… I don’t speak that woof!” NO, one woof is as good as the next, they communicate without missing a beat. However, on the other end of that I have seen boundless generosity, people who have given their last dollar to someone because they knew they needed it more, I have seen timeless love, when looks have faded, sex has subsided and everything annoying about a person has come to light… 30 years later they couldn’t imagine living one day without each other.

I have been blessed to know people from all walks of life… different shapes, sizes, colors, religion, sexual orientations, cultures and so on. Knowing all of these people and being open to learn from them has given me a gift that I wish I could share with the world… it has given me perspective. See for me I get to look at the world through a looking-glass… I get to stand back and see the WHOLE picture, not just the part of the picture that fits into a small frame. When I look at life I see just how insignificant things are on the grand scale. I see that compared to the universe, earth is like a grain of sand and if you were to think of earth’s existence in a 24 hour time span it has only been created in the last 7 seconds. When you look at things on a larger scale you can really put them in perspective. I know that at some points in time my perspective has been skewed and I have closed myself into that tiny box that I am always trying to burn. I can’t see the big picture because I am to busy trying to get the frame to fit… the problem is the picture doesn’t need to fit the frame, the frame needs to fit the picture.

A lot has happened to me in the last several months. I hate to say that it hasn’t all been positive, but I can say that I have lived and learned. I can also say that I have laughed til I’ve cried and opened my heart to receive. For me, like many, when I get hurt or burned I try to close up like a clam and not let anyone else in hopes that staying guarded will keep my heart safe, but truthfully the only thing it really does is keep your heart lonely. I guess for me the saying “It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.” is true. I also think that we have to go through the bad times to appreciate the good ones. I just wish that it didn’t always take so long for me to remember these lessons when things happen. I would love it if I had a little directory to refer to when situation occurred to show me a similar situation, the outcome and lessons learned.

It has taken me to get to this moment to really reflect on the past months to see how trivial everything has really been. I have focused my time in attention on people and things of little importance instead of focusing on the issues that affect the big picture. I had known for quite some time that I had not been feeling well and instead of listening to my body I continued to press on in hopes that I would one day wake up and feel better… of course it just continued to get worse until I found myself with some pretty serious health issues and having to grow roots and seek treatment. One thing I forget a lot of the time is that we are all pictures within a bigger picture and unless we take care of ourselves we won’t be there to complete our part. Too often people leave this world too early and never get the chance to make their mark. I don’t want to be one of those people. Though I am not afraid of death, I want my life to have meant something even if it means that helped 1 person feel good about who they were or that despite my many flaws I was a good person… to me that would be enough.

So… for the next year I will be living around Phoenix Arizona, so if anyone is near here please reach out and say hello. I have also teamed up with a great girl, Christylee, to do plus size club promotions and events starting with the existing Club Fullfilled! I’ve VERY excited about this new partnership, especially since I will be doing something I LoVe and have wanted to do for several years. There will be more info to follow on the club so stay tuned. At the end of the day you have to take hold of your own paintbrush and design the mark you want to make on the world. Personally, I want my mark to be beautiful and full of light and soul, not dark and filled with anger and regret. I am making a vow to lighten my spirit by letting go of the negative and dedicating my picture to LoVe, LiFe and Laughter!

I’m FAT… and?

I want to start off by saying that it’s 2010 and over 1/3 of the American population is considered obese stated by the CDC. With that said, I am in amazement that people still seem to be in shock when they see a fat person, EVEN if they’re fat themselves! It seems like I get more dirty looks from other fat people than I do thin people, thin people just look scared and hungry, lol. I’ll give you an example… the other day myself, Platinum Puzzy and our friend Destiny were out at Taco Bell. A few tables over a heavy woman and her 2 chubby daughters, mind you they were quite homely looking, were staring at us like we were side show freaks and then were so bold as to take pics of us on their cellphone!  Surprisingly none of us said anything to them, we actually found it quite comical cause when you’re fat you can diet but there’s no cure for ugly, lol!

So… we’re here visiting our good friends in Tampa and since the weather cleared up so nicely we decided to have a girls day out and the 4 of us piled into the car and took a trip to Old Town right outside of Orlando. We arrived at the park and the first thing we did was take a ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl, so much fun… well the funny part was the look on the man’s face when we all tried to fit our fat asses into one whirly cup thing, lol… I have no CLUE what they’re called. So next we decided that we were gonna head to the other side of the park to get dinner since we arrived kinda late and none of us had eaten. As we walked through the park the four of us we stared at like we had just eaten baby Jesus… I kid you not, it was jaw dropping. Once we arrived at the restaurant and were seated, there was a group of Swedish people sitting at the next table  and they COULD NOT keep their eyes off of me in particularly. I didn’t notice because my back was towards them but my friend got quite upset and made a comment to them about staring, they didn’t seem to get it so I turned around and asked them if they had a problem and one lady looked at me and said “we don’t understand”. At that point we were all irritated and my friend yelled, and made physical gestures, “Do you want to take pictures of us cause we’re FAT?” I almost died laughing at the look on their faces!

Continuing on our adventures Platinum decided that she was going to grow brass balls and ride the SkyCoaster. I was too scared to ride the ride, why lie, so she had to go alone… the other 2 girls had no interest either, lol. While we stood in line for over an hour to get her on the ride we observed people staring at us and a couple of times overheard some nasty comments from the surrounding drunks… I REFUSE to argue with a drunk so again we let it go. After the ride was over we headed back to the Tilt-a-Whirl for one last ride, this time 3 of us fit… lol, it was pure comedy… I was sure it was gonna pop right off the track. On our way out of the park we made asses of ourselves by making it very obvious that we knew we were fat… like all 4 of us trying to fit into the tiny photo-booth.

We had a blast at the park despite all of the attention… I just chalk it up to ignorance. We drove back to Tampa while singing radio karaoke and here I sit writing this blog. I wanted to right about our experience today not because it really bothered me or got to me but more because I am truly stunned at the way people react in this day and age. I LoVe being me and no one can take that from me. I live to laugh and when I sense any kind of prejudice that’s what I do because in the end they’re not staring at me because I’m fat they’re staring at me cause I’m black!

Denied by ADULTCON! – Update

Adultcon is taking place as I write this and one thing is perfectly clear… I’m not there nor will I be in attendance this weekend. It has never been more clear that Adulcon doesn’t want BBW’s participating in this event… here’s an update! http://adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=31677