Tag Archives: hope

Favorite Fan Mail!

I just got my FAVORITE type of fan mail and it totally turned my day around. I want to share it with you all as this helps to assure me of why I do what I do. ♥
Most people think that I do what I do for men solely, but that was never my intention. Since the very first moment that I decided to become an adult model it was always because I wanted plus size women to know that we are beautiful and amazing. One day the world will come around and realize what I have always known, every woman is divine in every essential feature that she possesses. There is beauty in every curve, every flaw and every element in which makes us all unique and special. LoVe yourselves ladies, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

 

Dear Desiree,

I don’t know if you already get a lot of fan mail from women like me, but I just had to thank you.

Let me explain how I found you….I am a BBW and I am just discovering the term FA or fat admirer. I do not know how you feel about this term, and I am not even sure how I feel about it yet, I am just glad that there are men who find big women beautiful and aren’t too timid to admit it. I doubt this is any kind of surprise to you, since I imagine you make your living from these exact men (and women). One of the men who openly speaks about being an FA mentioned you in a video on youtube. I had no idea who you were, so I looked you up.

I have watched a couple of your videos, and I had a mixture of emotions. Of course I was turned on, but something else happened. I realized that I had no trouble finding you sexy and beautiful, that was apparent. So the immediate question that followed, was, “Why do I have such a hard time feeling that I am sexy and beautiful, especially in sexual situations?”

It made me very emotional. I have tortured myself with imaginings of how my lovers must view me when we are having sex…and my imagination has rarely given me a positive picture. I have always been so hard on myself about my appearance. Even when I knew I looked good dressed with my make up and hair flawless, and a man was showing interest, the thought would always creep in “Yes, but if he saw you naked, it would be all over.”

I am so sad that I have done this to myself for so long. I have been working very hard (in therapy) to really love and accept myself just as I am. Whether I lose or gain weight, I just want to feel love for myself It sounds so nauseatingly trite to some people, but it has taken years for me to come close to a place where I can say that I am beginning to really feel this.

I would never have suspected that a woman like yourself would be another piece of the puzzle for me. Meaning, I did not expect to feel the way that I did, after watching you perform. You are very sexy, and gave me an actual image of what a woman truly confident in her sexuality looks like. I needed that picture and I thank you for it.

Let me say, however, that I am not deluded. I understand that you probably don’t feel this way all the time, you are a human being, and we all have shitty days. I do wonder if you feel happy about the work you do, or if you feel objectified or taken advantage of in any way. Though you seem like a very self assured and powerful woman, I understand that life is complex, and the choices we make sometimes are the result of difficult pasts. Wait, I am NOT going to psychoanalyze you, I just want to be clear that I have no illusions about life. I respect you for how far you have come, and for being what appears to be, a very successful business woman.

Thank you again. I wish you happiness, wealth, and all the things you dream of. I send you love and admiration, and hope for you, all the best.

Love,
Nelle=

Thank you all for all of your love and support… it means the world to me!b4

2013 Underway!

Well we’re 15 days into the New Year and I feel like I’m knocking on death’s door. Unfortunately, I got struck down by this years flu and am just now starting to see some improvement after yesterdays venture to the ER. I am going to share with you a story about my ER experience, since it has really been my only experience of the New Year, besides being stuck in the house going through a box of tissue and a bottle of NyQuil a day.

Here was my experience:

We had seen this hospital several times in passing, as we live nearby. After being sick for 11 days, and with fever and the inability to breath, I decided it was time for the ER. I drove myself and Platinum, who was also ill, to the hospital. As we were on the freeway near the hospital we saw a billboard that said FAST ER waiting time 19 mins. We thought “Awesome” and figured we would be seen quickly. Needless to say, that billboard was GROSSLY inaccurate. We checked in at approx 1:30pm and was not called to triage until about 2:40pm. Out entire ER experience lasted about 6 hours and I did have a 1 hour breathing treatment.

While waiting in the ER I had the most heartbreaking and disturbing experience. A little old lady, 96 to be exact, was asked to go into the public women’s restroom alone to pee in a cup. I followed the lady in, after I was given some meds myself for fever. God only knows how she filled her cup, but she was crying, trying to get up from the toilet and pull up her pants. I offered her my help right away. I had her hold onto my shoulders and hoisted her up, pulled up her depends and pants, put the lid on her urine, put it in the bag and literally put my hands under her arms and carried her out to her wheelchair where her son was waiting. She had told me that she had fallen and she was afraid that she had injured her back… I cannot believe the hospital staff asked her to go in there alone. Afterwards when I brought it to the attention of the nurses they apologized to ME and told me I shouldn’t have helped her because I was already sick and could’ve hurt myself. They should’ve been apologizing to her and not made her gone alone! I was furious and disgusted how things were handled. I wasn’t trying to be a hero, I just did what I thought was right and was saddened at the fact that no one else even acknowledged the inhumanity of it all.

I understand that hospitals get busy. I also understand that this was a new area, that they were under staffed and having technical issues with the computer system. I also understand there is absolutely NO excuse that makes this situation okay. The thing is people are so wrapped up in their own shit that they don’t even realize that could’ve easily been them, their mother, grandmother or loved one. We have got to do better people.

Moving forward this year, I am going to remember this experience and make sure I always do my part. I figure the best way to strike a change is to lead by example.

hands_elderly

God & The Sinner

I have never before spoken on the subject of religion, but as today is Christmas Eve, I found it fitting… I also got a message that struck up a rather interesting conversation. Most people seem to confuse me as an Atheist because I do not believe in organize religion… that is in fact inaccurate, I am not an Atheist. Atheist, by definition, is a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings… I do not. I very much believe that there is a “God” or a supreme being.

My biggest issue with religion is that it is a man-made structure of belief. There are literally thousands of religions around the world and who to say which religion is “right”? As I see it, there are about 4 people going to Heaven, lol. Then there is the issue of the Bible, also written by man, which has been written and rewritten all based off of interpretations. Once as a kid, I read the Bible, cover to cover, and seemed to understand it very differently than the way most religions teach it. I also find that some of the biggest hypocrites on Earth can be found in churches all around the World.

If so many religions preach peace, why can they not live it and accomplish it? If religion preaches love and acceptance, why are people so full of hate and judgement? If religion teaches the importance of family and togetherness then why are there foster homes, retirement homes, homes for difficult teens, etc. No one takes care of their families anymore, we just shove them off for someone else to take of them because it makes our own lives easier… SMH.

The conversation that lit this fire for me is below…

Mike Leroy Jnr
Repent from fornication and immorality porn woman remember hell is real and your body is d temple of the lord – repent now before it too late christ is knocking

Desiree Devine
LMAO… thank you for the chuckle… I needed a good laugh today! Happy Holidays!

Mike Leroy Jnr
Its not funny you may ridicule the word today but don’t regret tommorrow a word is enough for the wise

Desiree Devine
I’m not the one ridiculing sweets, that would be you. I love and accept everyone for who they are. In fact, I have read the Bible, cover to cover, have you? The same “Lord” that you are referring to states that He does not call upon the righteous as it is the sinners who need repentance… he died for the sinners… ergo Jesus loves and will embrace me even as a sinner. The Bible also states very clearly, and I quote: MATTHEW 7:1-5:

“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull the mote out of thine eye; and behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

I am no fool. I understand better than you realize. So… please… do not worry about me and my ways as a sinner, but worry about your damnation as a hypocrite. All sins are equal in the eyes of God.

Besos

Now the gentleman has yet to respond to my last message, but I don’t assume he will. The thing about people like me who dispute religion is that we have to study more about religion than the people who claim to be religious. Funny how I have to be extensively educated about religion to dispute it, but you have to know zero about it to shove it down my throat and tell me that I shall be eternally damned. Again, SMH!

On that note, I wish coexisteveryone around the World the HAPPIEST of Holidays. May your days be filled with love and laughter!

Know Me…

I’m the secret rendezvous
Never the public display
I’m the other woman
Never the only woman
I’m the good time
Never the long time
I’m the lusted
Never the loved

I am a survivor
Never a victim
I am charitable
Never selfish
I am loyal
Never dishonest
I am valuable
Never expendable

Some say shameless whore
I say lucrative business woman
Some say barren harlot
I say healthy butterfly
Some say damaged
I say insightful
Some say licentious
I say liberated

Everyone will assess me
Most will judge me
Some will tolerate me
Few will accept me

It only takes one to love me.

Thanks isn’t enough!

This blog is far overdue and for that I sincerely apologize. So much has happened since my last entry, it will take several follow-up blogs to tell you everything, but for now I just want to get to the most important update. This is a follow-up to my last blog, In a time of need…

Both Platinum and I would like to thank those who lent a helping hand, whether it was $5 or $300, every cent mattered. We were overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and fans. We were able to move into a new home and acquire some of the basic necessities. We also appreciate everyone who donated household items to help us get started! There is no “Thank you!” big enough to express how grateful we are. We are blessed to have each and every person in our lives.

It has been a month since we moved into our new condo and I must say it is AMAZING! We were able to do some very inexpensive decorating and it feels just like home. It’s warm and full of life, but mostly SAFE. We live in a MUCH better, gated and secured community. LUCKILY, the rotten thieves didn’t steal my cupcake kitchen decor and it all fits perfectly in our new kitchen! Below you will find a couple of pics of our new place!

The only downside to our place is that the floors are bamboo throughout and the ceilings are high and vaulted so it makes quite an acoustic environment. When I say you can hear everything, I mean EVERYTHING! If a fly farts it echoes! When the vibrators are on it sounds like chainsaws and lawn mowers… don’t even get me started on hearing each other having sex, lol! I think our next project is to sound proof the bedrooms! Oh… and we a ghost, but it’s cool until it starts making messes!

Again, thank you ALL for your love and support. ❤

Reppin BBW!

Since I have been getting back into the swing of things and have been becoming more involved in the BBW world I have noticed a lot of things that have just really, for lack of a better term, repulsed me. Now these are just things that I have observed and experienced personally. The things I will talk about in this blog will be based solely on my own personal views and opinions. This blog will offend a few, but hey… honestly is my policy! I’ll say it right off the top… I’m not trying to be a bitch or insult anyone, I’m just describing my observations and sharing my opinions. With that said… let’s do this!

First and foremost I recognize that the world looks at the BBW industry as a niche. I also understand that most companies are mainstream and therefore focus their attention on the skinny, mainstream models. Because of this the quality of mainstream work is much better and sets the bar to very high standards. There are a few companies in the BBW realm who have met those mainstream standards, Sensational Video and Score just to name a couple, and they noticeably continuously strive for better. The majority of the other companies that shoot BBW content definitely do not even attempt to compete with mainstream standards as it’s just simply not in the budget.

With knowing that BBW is already looked at in such a way that it’s hardly recognized as a legitimate part of the industry makes me that much more adamant that the people who represent for the industry should do so in a fashion that holds up to the mainstream standards. Let me give a few examples, for instance… since a picture is worth a thousand words, below is an example of something people might remember for mainstream and then from BBW. Now which one would leave a lasting impression for you? The skinny girl who dressed like a Canary or the big broad who DIDN’T WEAR SHOES on the red carpet? I think the answer is clear.

Example #2
I recently attended an event where vendors where promoting and selling various things as I came across a booth that was promoting for an event concerning BBW models and what not. Now when I think of BBW models I think of pretty girls looking there absolute best. I think of outfits, hair, makeup and fun accessories… so imagine my dismay when I walked up to the booth and saw the organizer running it wearing a night-gown (I knew it instantly as I have the same one) with messy hair and no makeup. Really??? Is that the quality of model you want to show the world is going to be attending your event? My mother has more style and I don’t think she’s changed her hair or wore a stitch of makeup in over 20 years! Come on now…

Example #3
Social media: Now social media is a mess in all aspects, period. I have read Facebook and twitter feeds from all types of entertainers that makes you want to throw out your computer, leave western civilization and become a Buddhist monk. I have also noticed that the successful mainstream girls keep it light and fun with minimum drama… there’s always gotta be some drama, let’s be real. For the most part though, they stick to keeping their followers happy with sexy pics and interesting blurbs. Now on the other hand when I read my fellow BBW colleagues tweets I usually just shake my head in disbelief or quit reading as it too painful to go on. There’s so much animosity and contempt between girls that timelines are full of shit talking, cryptic messages and personal info that really needs to stay personal. I cannot lie and say I am not guilty of the occasional shit talking or cryptic message, but I can guarantee they are few and far between and will never fill someones feed with continuously spewed bullshit. It’s truly shocking that some girls even have fans who follow them when at any point in time they can be subjected to, or even the subject of, a serious rant or tongue lashing. I think the most disturbing though is the ratchet ghettoness of someone talking about sucking dick and making her pussy cum immediately followed by many pics of her several children. Seriously? I am all about being proud of your family, but seriously? Not the time nor place.

Example #4
This example again hits on the animosity and contempt that runs between women in our industry. Below is the exact PRIVATE text that I had personally sent someone after having enough with her shenanigans…

“Hey xxxxxxxx, this is Desiree. I tried to call you but there was no answer. I am going to ask you one time nicely to please keep my name out of your mouth. I have now had 3 people come tell me that you have mentioned my name and I don’t appreciate it. I don’t know you very well but you have quite a reputation and from what I can tell, it precedes you. I am not the kind of person that will talk behind your back, you will always know what I have to say first hand. I do not in any way shape or form be associated with you. To be associated with you is to be associated with bad business and drama. xxxxx also made it clear that he didn’t want to be associated with you but yet you choose to try to use his event to promote your own, grimy. As of this moment we have no beef but if you keep on, we will. Good luck to you.”

The following day several comments pop up on her public timeline and are forwarded to me accusing me of “Texts, threatening phone calls, posting nasty comments and call outs…”! As far as I know I sent one text but there were no threats, it wasn’t public and I was very nice considering the situation. The woman, who is old enough to be my mother mind you, goes on to say “All this shit talk, all this character reference all this kindergarten sand box shit…your middle age. You won’t be in porn for ever, worry bout what happens to u after the movies over…”… that’s some good advice, but I guess it’s more of a do as I say not as I do situation since the statements that followed were full of adult rational… “Shit starters, Stank Bitches and Broke ass bumb giggas, I eat you for breakfast.”

Unfortunately I’m not immune to bits of drama but I refused to get into any kind of back and forth with this person, or any person for that matter, as I just don’t think it’s worth the time and energy. Truthfully the only reason I bring it up now is because it is an example of the common types of drama that can totally be avoided on a public level if you just handle things privately.

I am not perfect and I need to do a much better job at handling certain situations, but I still believe that at some point the BBW world will rise to the occasion and show all the people who looked down on us that we deserve to be recognized and we can be just as beautiful and sought after as any one of those mainstream girls. This is my plea to every big girl in the World… hold your head up high, be proud of who you are, show everyone around you that you value yourself and take pride in your appearance because you know you’re worth it, but most of all LoVe yourself and everyone else will follow.

My final example is pure Plus Sized beauty personified… beauty runs deep.

As always, thank you for the continued love and support! (✿◠‿◠)

Fuckin’ Perfect!

Lately I have been going through somewhat of a slump. The change of coming off the road and trying to settle down in a new place has not been an easy one for me. I miss the constant go and the new adventures. I miss the freedom of not being attached to a lease and being free to up and go on a whim… and mostly, I miss the company. When you live in one place, people have routines and lives that absorb their time and the excitement of hanging out, though it’s always awesome, tends to wear off a bit.

However, the BEST thing about being in THIS place is the AMAZING friends I have here. I have great old friends and have gained some phenomenal new ones as well. Though this is a huge change for me and is taking some getting used to, I don’t think I would have it any other way.

During my little funk I realized how fucking spectacular my friends really were when one posted this song on my Facebook. Have you ever heard a song that you could have sworn was written JUST for you? Well this one is ours. SO… I want to share this with ALL of my amazing friends and let you know that you are nothing less than fucking perfect… period… and when you’re lost and you have forgotten how spectacular you are, just have another listen!

Here are the lyrics:

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we try, try, try
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re fuckin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you’re fucking perfect to me

Goodbye Grudge!

This blog is about letting go… think of it like writing something out on paper and then lighting it on fire… the smoke disappears into the air as do the negative thoughts and feelings. I have to put the way I truly feel out into the open to acknowledge it before I can completely let go… trust it won’t be pretty, but it will be honest.

If you have followed me through the last couple of years and have read my blogs and such, then you are already aware of my “problem” areas. For those who haven’t I will do a little recap. There have been a few people come in and out of my life, one in particular that I can actually say I hate with every fiber of my being. With that said… it’s not healthy to hate. The time has come for me to let it go and move on with my life. The fact is, is that this person is a parasite on humanity, a sociopathic hemorrhoid on the ass of society… simply a wretched waste of flesh and oxygen. Knowing that though makes me question why I even waste my time letting them get under my skin. I find that this person is like a fungus that purposely tries to attach itself to the people in my life so it has a constant presence… that’s where some of the sociopathic tendencies come into play. So…  why let someone so repulsive affect my emotions?

While around this person I found that they were a negative, drama filled force and I hated the person that I was while with them. It’s amazing how someone can have SO much drama in their life and project it to make it seem like everyone else is the cause… I guess they flunked the 3rd grade math class where you learn about common denominators. The thing about me is that I absorb the emotions of the people around me… if there is stress, sadness, joy, love… I feel it all. I am very in tune to what’s going on around me and that can be a blessing and a curse.
It wasn’t until I left the situation that I saw what a vortex of drama they were. When you are able to remove yourself from a scenario where you are lead to believe that you are part of the problem and the problem continues to grow without you, it’s quite a relief. Outside of that circumstance I live my life relatively drama free, with the exception of a few hiccups along the way. I have little drama, they have an abundance… I hate that I took on their drama infested life and let it eat me inside… never again.

Now it’s one thing to owe me money and not pay me back because of financial struggle, but to not pay me back and flaunt your purchases around is a different story. This part I have already let go because I know I will never see a penny but the financial karma Goddess has already been set in motion and their life is going to stay in a state of financial misery with no light at the end of that broke, foreclosed tunnel. I still think it’s sad though that other people continue to get sucked into the scam. Oh well, people will learn and eventually there will be no more bridges to burn. You can only juggle with dynamite so long before one blows up in your face. Though it’s humorous to watch the vile creature try to spew out wisdom to the masses about haters and such knowing damn good and well that they are actually referring to themselves… who better to talk shit about people talking shit than a shit talker? LOL… pure ironic comedy!

In the end I have no regrets… I learned what I was meant to learn and I am now where I need to be. I’m happier now than I could’ve ever actually imagined. Do I wish bad things on them, no… do I wish them well, not exactly, I’m pretty much indifferent. Do I hope that one day I will catch them alone in a back alley or in front of me in a cross walk… a little bit, lol! My hope is that they will one day figure out what class truly means and slither back to their hole in their grimy part of the world. I do admit that at one point I was blind and truly cared for this individual… you can’t have hate unless you have once had love… but that fine line was crossed and the ugly boiled up inside of me.

With ALL of the amazing things I have in my life today, I simply don’t have time for ugly, hate or any negatives.  I have so much to be thankful for that harboring this resentment makes me feel ungrateful for the blessings I have been handed. So my end to this is to simply choose to let it all go. I hand it over to the universe and have faith that one day, probably not anytime soon, I will be able to be in the same room without the possibility of an altercation. The thing about life is that it is what you make of it through the choices you make. Today I choose to let go of the past and the things that hold me back. I choose to grow as a person and look forward to a brighter tomorrow. Our time here on earth is a short one so I’m gonna embrace life and live it to the fullest!

Let the flames of the universe burn the past and the wind of life carry away the tainted smoke. Breathe in the air of tomorrow and be filled with bliss… goodbye.

2010… Reflections…

Well, it’s officially New Year’s Eve… the very last day of 2010! This is my diary of reflection… it may take a bit so you may want to grab a beverage and get comfy!

This year has been one of the longest yet shortest years of my life. Though time felt as if it was racing by, soooo much has happened. I would LoVe to tell you that  it was all glory and roses but, as you know, I’m no chimney so blowing smoke is not my specialty. However, this year DEFINITELY has had its high points, and those very points have made all of the rest worth it. I learned a long time ago that you have to go through what you need to to get to where you want to be. The struggles in life make us appreciate the blessings… plus there is a natural balance to life, the ebb and flow of the universe guarantees that we will have our ups and downs.

The year started off strong out of the gate! I spent the first half touring the East Coast… finding a new LoVe for NYC and NJ… then the other half touring the upper and mid sections of the U.S. Along my path I met some AMAZING people, dropped some feckless and hindering baggage,  partied like a rock star, found myself, laughed, cried, hurt, healed and discovered my life’s true passion. I have always known what my passion was for, I just could never figure out how to go about implementing it.

I got into the adult industry a few years ago, not because I thought having sex on camera was my life’s calling, but because I wanted to help show the world that it is ok to be proud of who you are and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I wanted to open people’s eyes to see the error in societies flawed sense of what makes a woman’s body beautiful. It has always been my belief that beauty is not just skin deep, but it radiates from the most inner core of the soul. I discovered long ago that my way of doing things is generally opposite of everyone else’s way of doing them… which is ok… it just means more work on my part, lol!

A lot of people think that because I am an adult entertainer that I am less than human. That I somehow was forced into making this awful decision… and though I HATE to admit that I fall into most of the stereotypical scenarios of a standard porn chick… I do. I am severely flawed and dysfunctional. I have never denied my issues, in fact… quite the opposite. I embrace my issues as a part of who I am. My flaws make me human and I am perfectly ok with that. Having as many issues as I do removes any pressure to try to be perfect. I am flawed, therefore I am expected to fuck up! Though I don’t go around messing things up because I am expected to, I also don’t beat myself up when I do. I take each situation as a learning experience and try to implement the lessons I learn in other aspects of my life. My issues are also what allows me to do what I do without any sense of emotional attachment.

As most everyone knows, I have been single for a very long time and though I have found LoVe, I am always hesitant to let someone into my dark world. This year, because of my move to AZ, I ended up spending Christmas day alone on my sofa watching Netflix. Of course I corresponded via text, internet and phone, it was a pretty long day of solitude. Because, as two friends pointed out, I am an emotional cutter, I decided that on Christmas day I was going to face a few of my past demons, I watched “Precious”.  I have been avoiding this movie for a VERY long time because I knew that when I watched it it would bring up some of my own extremely painful and difficult memories. I have tried very hard as an adult to put my past behind me, but one thing I have learned throughout the years is that by stuffing all of the ugly history away, we give it power. When things are all out in the open and laying there in front of you… they just don’t seem so powerful anymore. The more we face our fears, the less afraid we become.

On Christmas day I faced my childhood head on… and it was liberating. Though I cried like a toddler and felt like my chest was going to cave in, I realized that things can always be worse. I dried my face, took a deep breath and became surprisingly thankful for the events of my childhood. The things I went through have made me the person I am today and today I can say I LoVe me. I am content with who I am and can proudly say that I have lived. I have lived MY life on MY terms and wouldn’t have it any other way. There are a lot of people who stand back and feel ok with judging me for my choices… but they were MY choices to make. I am not ashamed of anything that I have done, like I said before… it will all help mold me into the person I am meant to become.

The one on ONLY thing I have ever been 100% certain of in my entire life was that I wanted to do something or be someone who could/would help other people learn how to be ok with who they are. I used to want to be a youth counselor but I don’t ever think I could come to terms with having to interact with an abuser. I know that abuse is most of the time a cycle, and that an abuser is generally themselves a victim of abuse… it just never registered with me how someone who has gone through that kind of pain could inflict it on others. It wasn’t until I was older and “different” that I discovered the desire to help people with their body image… it all starts with working from the inside out. If you are beautiful inside it will show outside.

In the last few months I have been EXTREMELY blessed. I have moved to a place I am growing to LoVe, finally received some MUCH needed medical insurance and have some place that I can finally call home… it’s not much, but it’s ALL mine! I have greater friends than I could have ever asked for, LoVe that keeps me grounded and stable, health, though not perfect by any means, I am alive and able to take care of myself… that’s all anyone can rally ask for. I have found work that I am SOOOO passionate about and that I LoVe whole heartedly. I feel that in this moment my life is full and complete… there is very little more that I could ask for.

In the coming year I will be making a lot of personal life changes and making some very difficult transitions. I am very excited about my new direction… it has been such a long time since I was filled with so much passion. I guess it comes when you truly believe in what you’re doing. Though changes are not always easy, my hope is that people will continue to support me through them and enjoy the journey with me. I almost feel like I am, yet again, getting a second chance at life and I refuse to not grab it by the horns and hold on as long a humanly possible.

For all of those who were a part of my life in 2010, thank you… thank you for being a part of my journey… god or bad. Without you I would not be where I am today and have the wisdom of the past to guide me in my future. I look forward to the New Year with new beginning and new goals. I give thanks to the past years for all of the lessons and memories that I will take with me into each new day. My this New Year bring peace and prosperity to the world and may we learn how to let go of all of the negative, as it will only keep us from our own happiness.

From me to you… have a safe and blessed New Year!

XoXoXo, DD

LoVe Dystfunctionalfied!

I know dysfunctionalfied isn’t really a word, but it is what best describes the following poem that I had written for someone several years ago. It’s so funny to have found it after all this time and think about who it was written for. Though the relationship was a disaster, the feelings it brought forth were amazing and if I’m lucky, maybe one day, I will find a person worthy of feeling those feeling for again.

This poem was never really meant to be seen by anyone other than whom it was intended for, but I think it’s a good look at what make my LoVe so dysfunctional.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words to express
Just how much I want to reach out to you and say yes
I have spent so much of my life alone
I could never see past the gray cyclone
My past was like a tornado destroying everything in its route
My heart was like the wreckage, damaged and full of doubt
Much like the ruins, I was lost as it seemed I’d never recover
No shelter from the pain, I was a child without a mother

It seemed like the clouds lingered for years
No one around that could hear my tears
I kept my emotions isolated from all the world around
I vowed to never again have my heart beat into the ground
They can take my body; they can cut me like a knife
But they will never take my soul; I guard it with my life
Who knew that one day the clouds would part and the sun would shine through
Who knew there was still hope and who knew I would find you
In a world with so much chaos and endless sorrow
I never would have thought I would look forward to tomorrow
You took me by surprise when you touched me so deep
You made me forget the hurt and made me want to leap
So here I am now so open and exposed
To you I promise to never be closed
I give you me, no more, no less
You have my apologies; I know I’m a mess

As you can see I am no poet, but my emotions are raw, which I actually find to be quite freeing. What really stands out to me now is how I came from such a dark place into the light, but when the light was gone I regressed right back to the tortured blackness. I’m not sure if I’m capable of “healthy” LoVe, but I hope that when the universe sends someone my way that it takes into consideration the metric fuck ton of patients he’ll need.