Tag Archives: hurt

2013 Underway!

Well we’re 15 days into the New Year and I feel like I’m knocking on death’s door. Unfortunately, I got struck down by this years flu and am just now starting to see some improvement after yesterdays venture to the ER. I am going to share with you a story about my ER experience, since it has really been my only experience of the New Year, besides being stuck in the house going through a box of tissue and a bottle of NyQuil a day.

Here was my experience:

We had seen this hospital several times in passing, as we live nearby. After being sick for 11 days, and with fever and the inability to breath, I decided it was time for the ER. I drove myself and Platinum, who was also ill, to the hospital. As we were on the freeway near the hospital we saw a billboard that said FAST ER waiting time 19 mins. We thought “Awesome” and figured we would be seen quickly. Needless to say, that billboard was GROSSLY inaccurate. We checked in at approx 1:30pm and was not called to triage until about 2:40pm. Out entire ER experience lasted about 6 hours and I did have a 1 hour breathing treatment.

While waiting in the ER I had the most heartbreaking and disturbing experience. A little old lady, 96 to be exact, was asked to go into the public women’s restroom alone to pee in a cup. I followed the lady in, after I was given some meds myself for fever. God only knows how she filled her cup, but she was crying, trying to get up from the toilet and pull up her pants. I offered her my help right away. I had her hold onto my shoulders and hoisted her up, pulled up her depends and pants, put the lid on her urine, put it in the bag and literally put my hands under her arms and carried her out to her wheelchair where her son was waiting. She had told me that she had fallen and she was afraid that she had injured her back… I cannot believe the hospital staff asked her to go in there alone. Afterwards when I brought it to the attention of the nurses they apologized to ME and told me I shouldn’t have helped her because I was already sick and could’ve hurt myself. They should’ve been apologizing to her and not made her gone alone! I was furious and disgusted how things were handled. I wasn’t trying to be a hero, I just did what I thought was right and was saddened at the fact that no one else even acknowledged the inhumanity of it all.

I understand that hospitals get busy. I also understand that this was a new area, that they were under staffed and having technical issues with the computer system. I also understand there is absolutely NO excuse that makes this situation okay. The thing is people are so wrapped up in their own shit that they don’t even realize that could’ve easily been them, their mother, grandmother or loved one. We have got to do better people.

Moving forward this year, I am going to remember this experience and make sure I always do my part. I figure the best way to strike a change is to lead by example.

hands_elderly

Know Me…

I’m the secret rendezvous
Never the public display
I’m the other woman
Never the only woman
I’m the good time
Never the long time
I’m the lusted
Never the loved

I am a survivor
Never a victim
I am charitable
Never selfish
I am loyal
Never dishonest
I am valuable
Never expendable

Some say shameless whore
I say lucrative business woman
Some say barren harlot
I say healthy butterfly
Some say damaged
I say insightful
Some say licentious
I say liberated

Everyone will assess me
Most will judge me
Some will tolerate me
Few will accept me

It only takes one to love me.

Dating Disasters: “FB Busted”

So my recent experience was kind of a doozy. I had met a man who it had seemed I was meant to meet… I mean I was certain it was Kismet. To give you a little back story… I have  private and personal Facebook profile that I only add my close friends and family to. Several years ago, 4+ maybe, I had added a guy who I had known of, but we had never actually met even though we have many friends in the same circle. A couple of months ago I went through my friends list and unfriended everyone that I hadn’t met in person. So even though we ran in the same circles, because of travel and whatnot, our paths never crossed and I unfriended him.

Approximately 6 or so weeks ago, myself and several of my girlfriends went out to a local restaurant called Blueberry Hill after the club for some drunken dinner. Since I was the designated driver I was sober and sitting at the table listening to the drunken rambling when I saw a man walk in accompanied by a lady, who I had assumed was his girlfriend. When I saw him I actually said out loud “Is that _______?” I will refer to him as DA for future reference. So as I’m sitting there wondering if that had been my long time FB buddy, I saw him keep looking back at me like he recognized me as well. I still didn’t want to say anything as to not disrespect that lady he was with. As we were wrapping up and standing up to leave, I bent down to get my purse and when I stood up he was standing behind me and said “Are you Desiree?” I responded, “Are you D?” he said yes, took my number and that’s where it all began.

For the following weeks it had seemed like a warm, fuzzy dream. I loved spending time with him… I absolutely adored him. Just being around him brought me a certain peace and happiness that I hadn’t experienced in a VERY long time. I adored him and he claimed to be fond of me as well. I opened up to him telling him things I am reluctant to share with most people. I have a troubled past and it often causes complications for me in my relationships, but I was determined to make a conscious effort to overcome my issues.

Being as it was, DA is a very talented cartoonist and I had asked him to help with BBWFFlogoa project and in turn I would help him with some of his professional needs. He drew an amazing logo for the BBW FanFest and I was so impressed and thankful that I was motivated and inspired to go above and beyond to help him be successful in his work. Needless to say I ended up investing a lot more than I got in return. HOWEVER… the logo is amazing as you can see for yourself!

Now you can imagine with pretty much everything being amazing between us how utterly baffled I was to get a friend request from his GIRLFRIEND on FB. I mean REALLY? He had stayed nights and full days at my house… but when I looked at her profile, her profile picture was a picture of them together and there was this post and I quote: “Lions and Texans game has brought me quite a bit of entertainment while working on this beautiful Thanksgiving Day. Everyday I am thankful to have a job, i’m healthy, and I can go home everyday to the man I Love ____DA____”! Wow… the balls on this guy… Godzilla doesn’t have that amount of balls. It’s so crazy that he hid the fact that he LIVED with a woman so well. I was on his FB everyday and there was NO indication that he had a gf or anything.

The best part of this is when I asked him who she was and told him I was out, he got mad at ME! He asked me why I questioned who she was and said that since we weren’t in a committed relationship that it was none of my business who he lived with. LOL… this muthafucka here boy, I tell you WOOW! He had the audacity to mock my feelings and tell me “I’m sorry I hurt you so bad since you thought you were gonna marry me!” REALLY asshole? Yup, I was hurt… Yup, I felt betrayed… Yup, I let my emotions get the best of me… BUT regardless of how I feel… YOU sir are a liar and a douchebag! He continued by telling me that even if he was single he never had any intention of being in any kind of relationship with me due to my line of work. It’s funny how I was the best thing since sliced bread until you get caught in your own deception and then try to turn it around on me.

Needless to say our brief encounter came to an abrupt halt. I sent this kind assholegentleman this well deserved merit badge and applauded him for being a real class act. I told him not to worry I wouldn’t tell his gf about his douchebaggery and we could just pretend that we never ran into each other and go on with our lives as they were. I guess at this point in my life I am just over it. I will never understand why people don’t have the ability to be honest. My personal belief is that if you’re honest in the beginning then there will be no problems in the end… I guess that’s not a widespread belief. Some people can’t help but leave a trail of emotional destruction and I’m not gonna feel bad like I made it that easy to walk in and out of my life. This time it was him, not me. Deuces!

Click here to listen to this blog narrated by me!

Dating Disasters: “D” Bag

Installment 2 of the “Dating Disasters” series is brought to you by my good friend Platinum Puzzy! This one is going to be a fickle tale of flattery FAIL! Enjoy…

As far as my dating disasters go back, MANY MANY moons ago, “D” was one of the VERY first heart breaks and dose of dating reality I would ever encounter.  We met through mutual friends at a BBQ.  I was invited by my friend Stacy, he was invited by her husband Richard.  He first caught my eye when I was a pouring drink for myself, waiting for the Tyson fight to come on.  He was attractive, nice smile, smelled VERY good and was very laid back.  Our eyes kept meeting, it was apparent he had expressed some interest in me as well and eventually I had enough drinks to get up the courage to accidentally bump into him and begin a conversation.

We exchanged numbers, made small talk and eventually parted ways and finishing the night apart.  I didn’t give him much more thought for the next few days and finally he called.  We talked for hours, sharing life stories, what we want and don’t want and eventually geared towards a conversation about dating.  Of course, the first things we got out the way were our relationship status, kids, etc.  He says he is single, and so am I and that was that.  We both agreed that we were looking for something “casual” but with the open option for whatever we both may be up for.

A few more conversations were exchanged, and finally he asked me out on a date.  IT WAS ABOUT TIME.  The first date was great, he said and did all the right things.  We ended with a romantic kiss, butterflies in my stomach and all.  I went to bed dreaming of what a wonderful time we had, and anticipated his next call.

The first month of our “dating” experience was like something out of a storybook.  He called frequently, came and saw me regularly and maintained as if I was the only one.  Then the pieces started falling apart and the questions poured in.

Month 2 of our “relationship” or so I thought, we spent a lot of time arguing.  I would question his absence, he would make up detailed lies to cover his tracks.  I am a collections rep and detective by nature, and if I want to find the truth I will.  Eventually the truth would find me.

It came during a time when things “seemed” to be normal, and I was beginning to just accept that maybe the turbulence of relationships past were haunting my emotions.  He had convinced me that I was just nervous and to relax.  Then, the drama ensued.

I was at work, anticipating my lunch date I had with “D” with only 30 minutes to go and I get a call.  Hello, is this “Kari?” from a strange number and a strange female voice.  I replied, “yes it is, how can I help you?”  She went on to tell me that she knew about me, knows I’ve been spending time with “her man” and that she is now informing me that it was over.  Silence overcame me, and I couldn’t fix my mouth to even respond.  Those butterflies in my stomach turned to a knot and had me ready to vomit.

I didn’t divulge any information until I found WHO she was and if she was REALLY who she said she was.  I was going to get answers before digging a hole and giving into her.  I told her I had to go, finish working and that I appreciate her call, and proceeded to hang up on her.  It was almost lunch time and I was meeting the VERY person I wanted to confront in just minutes.

The time to clock out DRAGGED and seemed like HOURS more than minutes.  FINALLY, it was that time, and I ran out of there faster than Flo Jo.  I pulled up to the restaurant where we were having lunch, and didn’t see his car so I went in, got us a table and waited for him to come.  After 5 minutes passed, and this is unusual for him I decided to call and find out where he was.  He didn’t answer, and at this point I knew something just wasn’t adding up.  I was going to give him a few more minutes and if I didn’t hear from him, it was time to bounce and go get something to eat and head back to work.

Quarter after, I am grabbing my pocket-book and getting ready to leave when he comes storming in and tells me to sit down.  His voice was angry, and he was a bit forceful.  I already have an attitude, and look at him like “Are you crazy or just stupid?”  but sit down to obtain answers to what in the sam hell is going on.

The FIRST thing that comes out of his mouth is “What did you tell her?” ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Hell nah!  Needless to say, I didn’t eat lunch and he wasn’t trying to do anything but demand answers himself.  I explained what happened, and that I didn’t share anything and began interrogating as to who she was to him and why was he worried about her calling me.

I could NEVER be prepared for the answers.  WIFE?  You are married?  You have KIDS?  You told me you didn’t have kids!  Oh hell no… Here I was dating someone who wasn’t even AVAILABLE.  Luckily for me, the answers came before any real feelings developed and I was able to break it off before I was TOO hurt about it.

What is funny about this situation, when they finally divorced a couple of years later he had the BALLS to hit me up and ask if I would be interested in dating him again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!  ABSOLUTELY NOT <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

And that was one of my VERY first dating disasters.  Had be been honest, I would’ve at least had the option to deal with this or decline.  I wouldn’t have because the last thing I was to be is #2 on someone’s list of priorities and if shit falls through the “other” woman is ALWAYS left with nothing but empty hands. End of story.

Dating Disasters, A New Series!

So I have come up with the idea to put out a new blog series that highlights the personal dating disasters of myself and my close friends. The funny thing about this series will be that MOST people will be able to relate. Shit, maybe it can even be a helpful guide for the fellas on WHAT NOT TO DO while dating! LOL

Now I want to be clear that this is not a “Man Bashing” event. I will be the first one to admit that I am emotionally retarded. When it comes to dealing with emotions I panic. I don’t panic in a good way either… it’s the kind of running around aimlessly while screaming and begging for death kinda inner panic. So I am in no position to judge anyone, HOWEVER, I do know that  everyone wants to feel special and not be taken for granted.

So… let’s get started! After much consideration, I have decided to keep the names of the individuals private, though I would have loved to put them all on blast for my own personal amusement, but I need to be the bigger person, no pun intended, lol!

I am going to start out with the “Fantasy Stripper” disaster. This experience is precisely why I DO NOT enjoy online dating. A friend convinced me that I HAD to try online dating since I don’t go out a lot anymore… so I did. I set up a profile, which was active for less than 72 hours, with a random user name and basic phone cam pics. I immediately started getting the slew of pervs that I’m certain copy and paste the SAME message to every woman on the site. I started going through messages and saw a few that I figured I’d respond to and there happened to be one who stated that he was a male stripper moving to Vegas in a couple of weeks. Now I have dated male strippers in the past because it just seems like it’s easier when it comes to understanding each others professions, but truthfully I prefer not to… but I figured WTH! So we exchanged a few messages online and began texting.

Texting back and forth went on for a few days, then… there was the first phone call. He called me and what I had imagined he would sound like was totally off. I didn’t really give it much thought because we actually had a pretty good conversation about industry stuff and whatnot, he seemed very down to earth and humble, which I was into! I got off the phone before any kind of sex talk ensued and we picked up texting again. I’m not really the kind of person that likes to do a lot of corresponding via technology, I like to meet face to face to see if there is any chemistry. If there is no chemistry we are both just wasting our time. Since he stated that he was moving to Vegas from LA, he said he was staying at the Palms until he found a place. One day I was heading to the strip for some business and asked him if he wanted to meet up… he said he was in LA. At that moment I questioned him since he had just told me around 4am that he was getting back to his room at the Palms.

I decided to do a little investigating and typed his phone number into Facebook, lol… imagine my dismay when some random, engaged, donut shop worker from Salina, KS popped up! Needless to say I was FURIOUS. I understand people wanting to live out their fantasies but COME THE FUCK ON… WHY did you just waste several days of my time PRETENDING to be someone you’re not? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It just happened that he had his fiance linked to his profile so I commenced to send her an elaborate message about what he man does in his spare time. It may seem a little drastic, but dude deserved it.

← Guy I THOUGHT I was talking to…

Kolby Edwards

            Guy I was ACTUALLY talking to… →

I said what I had to say to the douche and told him that I had sent his fiance a long message. I didn’t hear back from him for a while but when he finally responded he begged me to not say anything to her, but it was too late. I told him his actions have consequences and that was that until later in the night when he text me “Is she mad?”… LMFAO, REALLY? You’re asking ME if YOUR fiance is mad at YOU? I told him I was done with him and haven’t heard a peep since.

The girlfriend never responded to me, but a few days later I checked and both of their Facebook pages were deleted, his online profiles were deleted and there is very little trace left of him and his fantasy persona. SMH… I would ask what is wrong with people, but I don’t have it in me to empathize.

Lesson: People can be anyone they want to on the other side of technology. Before you engage in pleasantries, get verification that they are who they say they are.

Until next time… thank you all for your LoVe and support!

In a time of need…

I would like to begin by stating my apologies in advance. This blog has taken me over a week of thought and has proven one of the most difficult things I have ever had to write. This is going to be the first time in my entire career that I am going to open up and ask for a very personal favor. If you have gotten to know me throughout the last few years, or are just now learning me, you will find that I am very proud and very driven. I try my best to keep my personal life private and that includes my personal tragedies. I will warn you now, if you’re not up for some in-depth reading, you might want to turn back.

This has been a very tough yet fulfilling year for me in many ways. I have been cancer free for a little over a year now, I have rekindled a relationship that I had feared lost forever, I was part of a very successful ground breaking event and I have relocated to Las Vegas in hopes of pursuing my long time goals and passions. Upon moving to Vegas I was not familiar with the city beyond the infamous Strip. Though I had traveled to Vegas many times in the past I’d never ventured out much past downtown. Unfortunately while looking for a residence we didn’t take the time to really research the areas and based our search off of online searches and floor plans… we REALLY should’ve paid more attention to the reviews. Anywho… we got into an apartment that seemed like a good deal since it was just going to be temporary. Needless to say, it was HELL.

As usual, I travel a lot, as does my roommate and our other, newly acquired, roommate. Myself and Platinum headed to the East Coast for an impromptu tour after BBW FanFest and Jezebel headed to LA for a visit with her mom. We all ended up being gone for much longer than anticipated, but after being gone a month Jezebel returned and everything seemed fine. It wasn’t until she was away at her boyfriend’s that our apartment was broken into, they kicked in the front door, and we were cleaned out. Luckily, Jezebel kept most everything at her bf’s, but I wasn’t so lucky. Everything I am left with pretty much consists of a bed frame, dresser and a desk. It would take me awhile to list everything they took, but I can tell you the even took the food out of the freezer. I was shocked to find that they took all of my clothes as I am MUCH bigger than the average woman, lol, I mean really, who is gonna fit into them?

So without going into a complete sob story of how this event has devastated me in particularly, I will just say that after growing up in foster care and not having much, I take it especially hard when people steal from me… not to mention the breach of my personal and private space. The hardest part has been how nonchalant the apartment management has been and how they have shown zero concern about our safety… NOT TO MENTION how they are trying to fuck us with the renter’s insurance. It seems as the property has changed management since we have been there and through the transition had let the insurance lapse. Mind you they NEVER gave us notice of this cancellation NOR did they stop accepting our money every month to cover it. They are not making it easy on us for sure and we are the victim’s. At this point it looks as though we will need to acquire an attorney and sue them for our loss.

As we cannot possibly stay there any longer we will need to find a new, safe, place to live and replace everything that we lost out-of-pocket. I cannot tell you that this event could NOT have taken place at a worse time for us financially as we have invested most of our personal funds into future business ventures. We have worked SO insanely hard over the last 6+ months to procure new ventures and have done some intense networking in hopes of making some long time dreams become reality.

These kind of things are never easy to deal with but we are doing our best to deal with the situation and stay positive and motivated. Even though it was not how we had hoped to do it, this has pushed us into moving into a better more secure place so we can focus on all of the amazing things we have in the works.

So… without making you read anymore and turning this into a novel I will do what has been so difficult for me and get to the point. We are asking for those who can, to lend a hand in our time of need. We have lost pretty much everything and without insurance money starting over isn’t going to be easy. We are working on covering our moving costs and getting the essentials, we can build the rest over time. We’re not asking for a handout, we have thank you gifts for those who can help out and I will list them below. I will also add a link to our site where you can donate using your credit card though a secure processor. We will also be working on updating our Amazon wish lists and you can also donate using Greendot or gift cards to places like Walmart, Target, Bed Bath & Beyond etc.! If you live in Vegas and have mattresses or any other furniture or household items you would like to donate, please shoot me an email!

We can’t thank you enough for your support and generosity in this time of need. To show our gratitude, below is a list of gifts we are offering for your donation. Please accept our humble thanks as we embark on our next chapter.

$20 & ↑ – Personalized phone call from both Desiree & Platinum
$50 & ↑ – Call + Membership to both DesireeDevine.com & PlatinumPuzzy.com
$100 & ↑ – Call + Memberships + Autographed DVD
$300 & ↑ – Call + Memberships + DVD + Custom video

To donate via credit card please visit BonaFideEnterprises.com
To donate using Greendot or other gift cards please email desireedevine@gmail.com
Desiree’s Amazon wish list
Platinum’s Amazon wish list

As always, thank you for your continued LoVe and support!
XoXo, Desi

Goodbye Grudge!

This blog is about letting go… think of it like writing something out on paper and then lighting it on fire… the smoke disappears into the air as do the negative thoughts and feelings. I have to put the way I truly feel out into the open to acknowledge it before I can completely let go… trust it won’t be pretty, but it will be honest.

If you have followed me through the last couple of years and have read my blogs and such, then you are already aware of my “problem” areas. For those who haven’t I will do a little recap. There have been a few people come in and out of my life, one in particular that I can actually say I hate with every fiber of my being. With that said… it’s not healthy to hate. The time has come for me to let it go and move on with my life. The fact is, is that this person is a parasite on humanity, a sociopathic hemorrhoid on the ass of society… simply a wretched waste of flesh and oxygen. Knowing that though makes me question why I even waste my time letting them get under my skin. I find that this person is like a fungus that purposely tries to attach itself to the people in my life so it has a constant presence… that’s where some of the sociopathic tendencies come into play. So…  why let someone so repulsive affect my emotions?

While around this person I found that they were a negative, drama filled force and I hated the person that I was while with them. It’s amazing how someone can have SO much drama in their life and project it to make it seem like everyone else is the cause… I guess they flunked the 3rd grade math class where you learn about common denominators. The thing about me is that I absorb the emotions of the people around me… if there is stress, sadness, joy, love… I feel it all. I am very in tune to what’s going on around me and that can be a blessing and a curse.
It wasn’t until I left the situation that I saw what a vortex of drama they were. When you are able to remove yourself from a scenario where you are lead to believe that you are part of the problem and the problem continues to grow without you, it’s quite a relief. Outside of that circumstance I live my life relatively drama free, with the exception of a few hiccups along the way. I have little drama, they have an abundance… I hate that I took on their drama infested life and let it eat me inside… never again.

Now it’s one thing to owe me money and not pay me back because of financial struggle, but to not pay me back and flaunt your purchases around is a different story. This part I have already let go because I know I will never see a penny but the financial karma Goddess has already been set in motion and their life is going to stay in a state of financial misery with no light at the end of that broke, foreclosed tunnel. I still think it’s sad though that other people continue to get sucked into the scam. Oh well, people will learn and eventually there will be no more bridges to burn. You can only juggle with dynamite so long before one blows up in your face. Though it’s humorous to watch the vile creature try to spew out wisdom to the masses about haters and such knowing damn good and well that they are actually referring to themselves… who better to talk shit about people talking shit than a shit talker? LOL… pure ironic comedy!

In the end I have no regrets… I learned what I was meant to learn and I am now where I need to be. I’m happier now than I could’ve ever actually imagined. Do I wish bad things on them, no… do I wish them well, not exactly, I’m pretty much indifferent. Do I hope that one day I will catch them alone in a back alley or in front of me in a cross walk… a little bit, lol! My hope is that they will one day figure out what class truly means and slither back to their hole in their grimy part of the world. I do admit that at one point I was blind and truly cared for this individual… you can’t have hate unless you have once had love… but that fine line was crossed and the ugly boiled up inside of me.

With ALL of the amazing things I have in my life today, I simply don’t have time for ugly, hate or any negatives.  I have so much to be thankful for that harboring this resentment makes me feel ungrateful for the blessings I have been handed. So my end to this is to simply choose to let it all go. I hand it over to the universe and have faith that one day, probably not anytime soon, I will be able to be in the same room without the possibility of an altercation. The thing about life is that it is what you make of it through the choices you make. Today I choose to let go of the past and the things that hold me back. I choose to grow as a person and look forward to a brighter tomorrow. Our time here on earth is a short one so I’m gonna embrace life and live it to the fullest!

Let the flames of the universe burn the past and the wind of life carry away the tainted smoke. Breathe in the air of tomorrow and be filled with bliss… goodbye.

2010… Reflections…

Well, it’s officially New Year’s Eve… the very last day of 2010! This is my diary of reflection… it may take a bit so you may want to grab a beverage and get comfy!

This year has been one of the longest yet shortest years of my life. Though time felt as if it was racing by, soooo much has happened. I would LoVe to tell you that  it was all glory and roses but, as you know, I’m no chimney so blowing smoke is not my specialty. However, this year DEFINITELY has had its high points, and those very points have made all of the rest worth it. I learned a long time ago that you have to go through what you need to to get to where you want to be. The struggles in life make us appreciate the blessings… plus there is a natural balance to life, the ebb and flow of the universe guarantees that we will have our ups and downs.

The year started off strong out of the gate! I spent the first half touring the East Coast… finding a new LoVe for NYC and NJ… then the other half touring the upper and mid sections of the U.S. Along my path I met some AMAZING people, dropped some feckless and hindering baggage,  partied like a rock star, found myself, laughed, cried, hurt, healed and discovered my life’s true passion. I have always known what my passion was for, I just could never figure out how to go about implementing it.

I got into the adult industry a few years ago, not because I thought having sex on camera was my life’s calling, but because I wanted to help show the world that it is ok to be proud of who you are and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I wanted to open people’s eyes to see the error in societies flawed sense of what makes a woman’s body beautiful. It has always been my belief that beauty is not just skin deep, but it radiates from the most inner core of the soul. I discovered long ago that my way of doing things is generally opposite of everyone else’s way of doing them… which is ok… it just means more work on my part, lol!

A lot of people think that because I am an adult entertainer that I am less than human. That I somehow was forced into making this awful decision… and though I HATE to admit that I fall into most of the stereotypical scenarios of a standard porn chick… I do. I am severely flawed and dysfunctional. I have never denied my issues, in fact… quite the opposite. I embrace my issues as a part of who I am. My flaws make me human and I am perfectly ok with that. Having as many issues as I do removes any pressure to try to be perfect. I am flawed, therefore I am expected to fuck up! Though I don’t go around messing things up because I am expected to, I also don’t beat myself up when I do. I take each situation as a learning experience and try to implement the lessons I learn in other aspects of my life. My issues are also what allows me to do what I do without any sense of emotional attachment.

As most everyone knows, I have been single for a very long time and though I have found LoVe, I am always hesitant to let someone into my dark world. This year, because of my move to AZ, I ended up spending Christmas day alone on my sofa watching Netflix. Of course I corresponded via text, internet and phone, it was a pretty long day of solitude. Because, as two friends pointed out, I am an emotional cutter, I decided that on Christmas day I was going to face a few of my past demons, I watched “Precious”.  I have been avoiding this movie for a VERY long time because I knew that when I watched it it would bring up some of my own extremely painful and difficult memories. I have tried very hard as an adult to put my past behind me, but one thing I have learned throughout the years is that by stuffing all of the ugly history away, we give it power. When things are all out in the open and laying there in front of you… they just don’t seem so powerful anymore. The more we face our fears, the less afraid we become.

On Christmas day I faced my childhood head on… and it was liberating. Though I cried like a toddler and felt like my chest was going to cave in, I realized that things can always be worse. I dried my face, took a deep breath and became surprisingly thankful for the events of my childhood. The things I went through have made me the person I am today and today I can say I LoVe me. I am content with who I am and can proudly say that I have lived. I have lived MY life on MY terms and wouldn’t have it any other way. There are a lot of people who stand back and feel ok with judging me for my choices… but they were MY choices to make. I am not ashamed of anything that I have done, like I said before… it will all help mold me into the person I am meant to become.

The one on ONLY thing I have ever been 100% certain of in my entire life was that I wanted to do something or be someone who could/would help other people learn how to be ok with who they are. I used to want to be a youth counselor but I don’t ever think I could come to terms with having to interact with an abuser. I know that abuse is most of the time a cycle, and that an abuser is generally themselves a victim of abuse… it just never registered with me how someone who has gone through that kind of pain could inflict it on others. It wasn’t until I was older and “different” that I discovered the desire to help people with their body image… it all starts with working from the inside out. If you are beautiful inside it will show outside.

In the last few months I have been EXTREMELY blessed. I have moved to a place I am growing to LoVe, finally received some MUCH needed medical insurance and have some place that I can finally call home… it’s not much, but it’s ALL mine! I have greater friends than I could have ever asked for, LoVe that keeps me grounded and stable, health, though not perfect by any means, I am alive and able to take care of myself… that’s all anyone can rally ask for. I have found work that I am SOOOO passionate about and that I LoVe whole heartedly. I feel that in this moment my life is full and complete… there is very little more that I could ask for.

In the coming year I will be making a lot of personal life changes and making some very difficult transitions. I am very excited about my new direction… it has been such a long time since I was filled with so much passion. I guess it comes when you truly believe in what you’re doing. Though changes are not always easy, my hope is that people will continue to support me through them and enjoy the journey with me. I almost feel like I am, yet again, getting a second chance at life and I refuse to not grab it by the horns and hold on as long a humanly possible.

For all of those who were a part of my life in 2010, thank you… thank you for being a part of my journey… god or bad. Without you I would not be where I am today and have the wisdom of the past to guide me in my future. I look forward to the New Year with new beginning and new goals. I give thanks to the past years for all of the lessons and memories that I will take with me into each new day. My this New Year bring peace and prosperity to the world and may we learn how to let go of all of the negative, as it will only keep us from our own happiness.

From me to you… have a safe and blessed New Year!

XoXoXo, DD

Jokes vs Insults!

Before I begin this entry I want to start by saying that I am the least politically correct person I know. I find humor in the just plain wrong… but if it’s done in the spirit of laughter I’m all about it. I LoVe to laugh and do it more than most about things that most “normal” people find offensive… sooo if I’m not laughing… you’ve gone too far. There is a bold line between joking about something and being just down right insulting.

When you look around after telling a “joke” are you the only one laughing? If so, chances are you’ve crossed the line. I have several friends that are career comedians… a few of my closest ones being Keith FromUpDaBlock, Felipe Esparza and Diaz Mackie… and though they poke fun at some pretty delicate topics they do it in the spirit of fun. To me being funny is almost an art, not everyone was born with a funny bone some were just born with a stick up their ass. Some people open their mouth and you can’t help but laugh, but others couldn’t deliver a punch line if they were being assisted by a ventriloquist. Then there are those who THINK they’re funny, but they are really just douchebags who think insulting people is funny.

There is nothing less funny on this planet than watching someones feelings get hurt. The gloom that comes over their face is heart breaking and there is NOTHING comical about that. I don’t know about you, but I have been to comedy shows where comedians have crossed the line from funny to insulting and this whole awkward silence falls over the room but he just didn’t get it and kept digging until people actually got up and left. People actually looked traumatized but yet the comedian was cracking up like he had just inhaled a balloon full of nitrous oxide. I can only speak for myself but I don’t find it fun if everyone isn’t laughing with me.

I mean, I find things like ☚ this picture HILARIOUS even though some would find it offensive, but I don’t believe that the person who came up with it thought “I hate fat people so I am going to make this shirt so fatty’s all over the world will feel my contempt!” LOL… seriously! Now if the shirt said fat people shouldn’t be allowed in the forest because they might ignite a forest fire from their chafing thighs… then maybe… but I would probably still find even that a bit humorous… I know, I’m sick!

My whole point is that to joke about being broke and making light of the struggle is much different than putting people down for not being as well off as you and laughing “at” them. NO ONE wants to be laughed at… we should ALL want to be laughed with. I personally think that laughter is good for the soul but if done in malice you are paving your own express lane straight to hell. We have to make light of things in life or we would all be depressed and suicidal but there are boundaries, and as human beings we should be aware and practice the art of respect.

I have a much obscure line than most when it comes to what I deem as humorous… at what point do you think the line has been crossed?

LoVe Dystfunctionalfied!

I know dysfunctionalfied isn’t really a word, but it is what best describes the following poem that I had written for someone several years ago. It’s so funny to have found it after all this time and think about who it was written for. Though the relationship was a disaster, the feelings it brought forth were amazing and if I’m lucky, maybe one day, I will find a person worthy of feeling those feeling for again.

This poem was never really meant to be seen by anyone other than whom it was intended for, but I think it’s a good look at what make my LoVe so dysfunctional.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words to express
Just how much I want to reach out to you and say yes
I have spent so much of my life alone
I could never see past the gray cyclone
My past was like a tornado destroying everything in its route
My heart was like the wreckage, damaged and full of doubt
Much like the ruins, I was lost as it seemed I’d never recover
No shelter from the pain, I was a child without a mother

It seemed like the clouds lingered for years
No one around that could hear my tears
I kept my emotions isolated from all the world around
I vowed to never again have my heart beat into the ground
They can take my body; they can cut me like a knife
But they will never take my soul; I guard it with my life
Who knew that one day the clouds would part and the sun would shine through
Who knew there was still hope and who knew I would find you
In a world with so much chaos and endless sorrow
I never would have thought I would look forward to tomorrow
You took me by surprise when you touched me so deep
You made me forget the hurt and made me want to leap
So here I am now so open and exposed
To you I promise to never be closed
I give you me, no more, no less
You have my apologies; I know I’m a mess

As you can see I am no poet, but my emotions are raw, which I actually find to be quite freeing. What really stands out to me now is how I came from such a dark place into the light, but when the light was gone I regressed right back to the tortured blackness. I’m not sure if I’m capable of “healthy” LoVe, but I hope that when the universe sends someone my way that it takes into consideration the metric fuck ton of patients he’ll need.