Well, it’s officially New Year’s Eve… the very last day of 2010! This is my diary of reflection… it may take a bit so you may want to grab a beverage and get comfy!
This year has been one of the longest yet shortest years of my life. Though time felt as if it was racing by, soooo much has happened. I would LoVe to tell you that it was all glory and roses but, as you know, I’m no chimney so blowing smoke is not my specialty. However, this year DEFINITELY has had its high points, and those very points have made all of the rest worth it. I learned a long time ago that you have to go through what you need to to get to where you want to be. The struggles in life make us appreciate the blessings… plus there is a natural balance to life, the ebb and flow of the universe guarantees that we will have our ups and downs.
The year started off strong out of the gate! I spent the first half touring the East Coast… finding a new LoVe for NYC and NJ… then the other half touring the upper and mid sections of the U.S. Along my path I met some AMAZING people, dropped some feckless and hindering baggage, partied like a rock star, found myself, laughed, cried, hurt, healed and discovered my life’s true passion. I have always known what my passion was for, I just could never figure out how to go about implementing it.
I got into the adult industry a few years ago, not because I thought having sex on camera was my life’s calling, but because I wanted to help show the world that it is ok to be proud of who you are and that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I wanted to open people’s eyes to see the error in societies flawed sense of what makes a woman’s body beautiful. It has always been my belief that beauty is not just skin deep, but it radiates from the most inner core of the soul. I discovered long ago that my way of doing things is generally opposite of everyone else’s way of doing them… which is ok… it just means more work on my part, lol!
A lot of people think that because I am an adult entertainer that I am less than human. That I somehow was forced into making this awful decision… and though I HATE to admit that I fall into most of the stereotypical scenarios of a standard porn chick… I do. I am severely flawed and dysfunctional. I have never denied my issues, in fact… quite the opposite. I embrace my issues as a part of who I am. My flaws make me human and I am perfectly ok with that. Having as many issues as I do removes any pressure to try to be perfect. I am flawed, therefore I am expected to fuck up! Though I don’t go around messing things up because I am expected to, I also don’t beat myself up when I do. I take each situation as a learning experience and try to implement the lessons I learn in other aspects of my life. My issues are also what allows me to do what I do without any sense of emotional attachment.
As most everyone knows, I have been single for a very long time and though I have found LoVe, I am always hesitant to let someone into my dark world. This year, because of my move to AZ, I ended up spending Christmas day alone on my sofa watching Netflix. Of course I corresponded via text, internet and phone, it was a pretty long day of solitude. Because, as two friends pointed out, I am an emotional cutter, I decided that on Christmas day I was going to face a few of my past demons, I watched “Precious”. I have been avoiding this movie for a VERY long time because I knew that when I watched it it would bring up some of my own extremely painful and difficult memories. I have tried very hard as an adult to put my past behind me, but one thing I have learned throughout the years is that by stuffing all of the ugly history away, we give it power. When things are all out in the open and laying there in front of you… they just don’t seem so powerful anymore. The more we face our fears, the less afraid we become.
On Christmas day I faced my childhood head on… and it was liberating. Though I cried like a toddler and felt like my chest was going to cave in, I realized that things can always be worse. I dried my face, took a deep breath and became surprisingly thankful for the events of my childhood. The things I went through have made me the person I am today and today I can say I LoVe me. I am content with who I am and can proudly say that I have lived. I have lived MY life on MY terms and wouldn’t have it any other way. There are a lot of people who stand back and feel ok with judging me for my choices… but they were MY choices to make. I am not ashamed of anything that I have done, like I said before… it will all help mold me into the person I am meant to become.
The one on ONLY thing I have ever been 100% certain of in my entire life was that I wanted to do something or be someone who could/would help other people learn how to be ok with who they are. I used to want to be a youth counselor but I don’t ever think I could come to terms with having to interact with an abuser. I know that abuse is most of the time a cycle, and that an abuser is generally themselves a victim of abuse… it just never registered with me how someone who has gone through that kind of pain could inflict it on others. It wasn’t until I was older and “different” that I discovered the desire to help people with their body image… it all starts with working from the inside out. If you are beautiful inside it will show outside.
In the last few months I have been EXTREMELY blessed. I have moved to a place I am growing to LoVe, finally received some MUCH needed medical insurance and have some place that I can finally call home… it’s not much, but it’s ALL mine! I have greater friends than I could have ever asked for, LoVe that keeps me grounded and stable, health, though not perfect by any means, I am alive and able to take care of myself… that’s all anyone can rally ask for. I have found work that I am SOOOO passionate about and that I LoVe whole heartedly. I feel that in this moment my life is full and complete… there is very little more that I could ask for.
In the coming year I will be making a lot of personal life changes and making some very difficult transitions. I am very excited about my new direction… it has been such a long time since I was filled with so much passion. I guess it comes when you truly believe in what you’re doing. Though changes are not always easy, my hope is that people will continue to support me through them and enjoy the journey with me. I almost feel like I am, yet again, getting a second chance at life and I refuse to not grab it by the horns and hold on as long a humanly possible.
For all of those who were a part of my life in 2010, thank you… thank you for being a part of my journey… god or bad. Without you I would not be where I am today and have the wisdom of the past to guide me in my future. I look forward to the New Year with new beginning and new goals. I give thanks to the past years for all of the lessons and memories that I will take with me into each new day. My this New Year bring peace and prosperity to the world and may we learn how to let go of all of the negative, as it will only keep us from our own happiness.
From me to you… have a safe and blessed New Year!